A Ramble

Someone in my minister group posted this interesting blog that briefly touched on the outward and visible devotion of other faiths that modern American paganism seems to be lacking. It is a brief read.

However, I think the point that Krasskova is missing is that modern paganism isn't like any denomination of modern Christianity where she sees such devotion and piety. Pagan paths are as numerous as the people who claim to follow one and there is no one single authority leading us or telling us how to worship or how to be 'good pagans.' Additionally, paganism of any kind is still shunned and persecuted in many communities, so of course we're less likely to be seen on our knees in front of some sacred building (do pagans have sacred buildings, even?) in an effort to protect ourselves. The fact that my relationship with Deity is truly a personal one and not something that I flaunt in front of the public eye does not make me any less devoted or pious than my brothers and sisters who make a big show of how very devoted they are.

Part of her point, though, I think I do see. A lot of people who claim paganism as their faith learned it from a book, and not a sacred and unifying text like the Bible, but probably something published by Llewellyn, which has the regrettable reputation of teaching McWitchcraft. Without the equivalent of a head church or knowing how to find who pagan leaders are even within your own community, all we really have are books and there is no criteria or proof of authority or authenticity required to write one.  In that regard, pagans the world over are reaching in the dark for some guidance or structure and only finding it in books penned by people with Wolf somewhere in their name. That is not to say that learning from books is bad, but the books available to us aren't teaching us the right lessons. What we need to know is that we can design our faith based on what feels right to us. That we can mix pantheons and official traditions and thoroughly build that personal relationship with the Divine. That a solitary path does not mean a lesser one and that keeping your devotion personal and private does not mean that you lack it.

I had a conversation with a friend recently who expressed an interest in paganism but did not know where to begin to learn and asked me for guidance. It made me wish I did have a Bible-type book to pass along to her as a good place to begin. What I need, instead, is something closer to a Sunday school lesson plan. I'm fully confident in my ability to put such a thing together but just being asked has made me miss the days when I lived in close proximity to a fellowship where dozens of us, all on our own unique paths, would gather for Sabbats and spend entire weekends celebrating that which makes our faith special and meaningful and powerful.

Then I find myself in the same position that I just stated most of us are in; not knowing how to find something within my community. And it comes with it no small amount of trepidation that any fellowships I do find would fit me and my path as well as the one I had. In addition to that, starting with a new group often puts you at the bottom, where people just assume that you know nothing just because you are new to them and treat you accordingly. In that, I have no interest. I have been walking this path for more than 20 years. While every step has the potential for a new direction, back at the very beginning when I was one of those people who only had a book by someone named Wolf is not one of them.

I was going to add that I don't feel like my current spiritual journey is missing something, but it occurs to me that I wouldn't be writing about this if that were so. I am a solitary priestess, but gathering and celebrating with others did bring a certain comfort to my journey that I can't create on my own. If only finding pagan circles was as easy as driving around town and making note of any church that matches your denomination so you can go during their scheduled times of worship and see if it is a good fit.

Supplicant

I know it has been a while since I updated, and so very much has happened in my life since then. I got married, we had a wonderful honeymoon in Ireland. I was going to talk about those things and even started writing not too long ago, but something else came up.

Early on in my path, Artemis was my matron goddess. I listened to her teachings for years and, when she had showed me everything I needed to see in that time of my life, she left me on my own. It was unnerving, to be without that connection to the Goddess that I had had for so long. Another matron wouldn't call me for years. I have a new and different relationship with the Goddess now, with a new matron who is teaching me so much more. (I'm about to run off on a tangent here describing my view of the gods and how I may use different names but It is still One, like sometimes I need my mother to be my mother and sometimes I need her to be my friend, but that's a subject for another time.)

Something has come up in my life (that I am not yet ready to share on the vast interwebs) that reminded me of an aspect of Artemis I had forgotten, and I suddenly had a need to beseech her for support. Those of you who know me well know I don't "pray" in my practice though, the truth is, I do. I may get hung up on the word, but that is exactly what I do when I commune with the Divine. So, for lack of a better word, I prayed to Artemis. It was like reconnecting with an old friend - the one you haven't spoken to in years but, when you get together, it's like no time has passed at all.

The thing about asking for things (support, intervention, whatever) from the Divine is that It doesn't just give. There must be an exchange, there always must be an exchange of energy to keep balance. Artemis heard what I needed and told me exactly what I needed to do for her and for me.

Last year, I acquired a beautiful, handmade longbow. It didn't get any use, though I intend to set up some targets when the weather is more conducive to it. And, since we built a pell (that's a post for sword training) to practice with our ceremonial wedding swords, an archery target will fit right in. Anyway, I'm supposed to oil that longbow monthly to keep it pliant. I have the oil that the maker recommends, but I haven't actually done it. What Artemis asked of me in return was simple: oil my bow.

And I promised.

This word is important. I made a promise in that moment. I promised the Goddess I would do what she asked of me, and I promised myself. How many times have we made those promises and not followed through? Something little, like promising the cats I would trim their claws tomorrow and just felt too lazy to do it when the time came. This isn't the first time I promised myself I would oil my bow either. I take my word to others seriously, but my word to myself is less reliable. Why in the world is that? I will honor others before I honor myself. But myself is the one that is always here with me. How many times have you let yourself down? Made a promise - even a simple, seemingly meaningless promise - to yourself and not done it? Stop doing that. Hold yourself to your word, it is just as valuable to you as it is to the people around you when you give it to them. This is important. The moment I thought it, I knew that was also something She asked of me. It's time to keep my word to everyone, even me.

Yesterday was the day. I promised I would oil my bow and I promised when. It struck me that this wasn't just a thing I was doing, it was a thing I promised the Goddess I would do. That meant it wasn't a matter of just grabbing a cloth and doing it, it needed ritual. I brought the supplies to my altar, lit my candles and incense, and cast my circle, like you do for ritual, and I oiled my bow - deliberately, purposefully, and in sacred space. And it wasn't about what I had asked Artemis to do for me, it was about fulfilling a promise. There was something so satisfying in that moment, sitting before my altar doing this simple, otherwise non-magical act.

It had been so long since I actually sat at my altar (planning to but not actually doing, I suppose another of those promises to myself I didn't keep) that I stayed there for some time after the task was done. I started working on a charm that was waiting for the right moon phase (surprise, we're in it!). I added some decorations to the front of my table I had been planning for weeks. That little corner of the house that has been dedicated my sacred space hasn't been used for a while and I needed it.

Leaves on the altar!

At the risk of throwing something in here that needs its own post, it is not correct to say my altar and the sacred space around it has been entirely unused for a while. I did start something that I hope to continue. Communion with the Divine should not just be asking for something. I know there are things in my life that the Divine sent to me that I did not expressly ask for. I have started leaving offerings. It is usually burning incense, thanking the Lord and Lady for their presence in my life, and going about my day. Not asking for anything from them, but giving back. Some might ask exactly how burning incense is an offering to the gods. In part, it is the thing that is consumed, but a larger part of it is the action. The very act of lighting a stick or cone or charcoal and expressing gratitude is the offering. This is something I will continue to do as it is also extremely satisfying to come before my gods not as a supplicant but in tribute. But, again, that's not why I'm writing today.

The reason I wrote about this is to urge you to consider your promises and how often you break them. The little ones, the promises to yourself, they are just as important as the promises you make to others. Think about that as you go through your days.

A Question and an Answer

A friend of mine asked me what I thought of interfaithism. I had to look up the term and I couldn't find a single website that just gave me a definition. What I did find was a bunch of websites by some religious fundamentalists of a variety of faiths who think this mysterious 'interfaithism' thing is the end of the world- in a literal sense. So, the true answer to the question "what do I think of interfaithism" is "I don't."

What I could gather from these websites, that I could only describe as insulting at best, is that interfaithism is a word with negative connotations (from the fundamentalists screaming about Satan's tool or something) that is used now in place of interfaith dialogue. Interfaith dialogue, as we should know, is a wonderful thing where people who don't believe in the same things can still talk to, be civil to, and be accepting of each other.

Ah, found it. One such site actually had a definition for me: "the belief that all religions are valid pathways to God...spiritual truths can be found in all of the world's religions and that there is more than one path to heaven." Gees, to my mind, this sounds awesome, and what I've been saying for years. It's unfortunate that this concept is so threatening to so many... I'm finding this is largely a Christian threat. But, really, if all paths lead to the divine, why does that invalidate your path? "All paths" include yours, doesn't it? Why should you care what other people are doing at all?

Thomas Jefferson, while not a perfect man by any means, was a great proponent of religious liberty. In his famous Letter to the Danbury Baptists (the one that claimed the First Amendment to the Constitution built "a wall of separation between Church and State"), Jefferson opened with: "Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship...." Think about that. Think about what kind of world we would live in if religion really was a matter which lies solely between man and his god, and not between man and his neighbor and his neighbor's god. That's the way it should be.

In fact, most of these beliefs that fear this interfaithism thing is going to destroy them also believe that they should have a personal relationship with God. So, why do they get a personal relationship and I don't? If you view God like a parent, do you have the same relationship with your Earthly father as your brother? How about the same as your mother? The same as his boss? No, you have a personal relationship with him, and everyone else has a different, personal relationship with him. The "Heavenly Father" is no different here.

If that means you find your own way to Him, so be it. That's the way personal relationships work. That's why you answer to deity about your faith and no one else.

If you know me at all, you know I cover my hair in public because my goddess asked me to. It's part of my personal relationship with her. You also know that I have friends all over the world and from so many different walks of life. I know Christians from Anglicans to Yehowists. Quakers, both Christian and non. I know Jews, Orthodox and Messianic. I know Muslims. I know Buddhists and Hindus. Pagans, Neopagans, Wiccans. Universal Life and Unitarians. I know agnostics and atheists. I don't know everyone. I haven't met any Jains, I don't know any Sikhs, but it's just a matter of time. Everyone is on their own path, even as a part of their larger groups, and I'd guess that the vast majority of them are content on their path. They followed the signs they were shown and found their way. It doesn't matter if that way is structured and there are thousands of people in the world walking that same path, or if they find themselves completely alone on a path no one has ever trodden before or will again.

See, that is the power of the divine. The divine knows you. It knows who you are and how you believe and what you need to thrive. It knows that you are perfectly unique and that many things in this hard life that It gave us simply don't work for everyone. It knows that the structured path of thousands may not be the one that makes your heart sing, but may in fact lead you away from It. It even knows if that structured path of thousands is exactly the path you need to be walking. The divine knows you and will show you the way if you ask for direction. Your way, the way that is unique to you, even if thousands of people are going that way or just you - the way that will help you build that personal relationship that It wants to have with you, because It knows you.  If you ask and It shows you nothing, maybe nothing is what you need. The divine has Its truths and knows that some people can just be told a thing to believe, but some need to see, and some need to feel, and some need to do. That is the way It made us; It knows how we work. To say that there is only one path limits the divine, and the divine has no limits.

So, if you're asking questions, keep asking. 

It was twenty years ago when I started asking. I was raised Roman Catholic, going to a Catholic high school, and seriously considered being a nun. When I asked if that was the right path for me, I was shown another way. I started on that path with some caution, because it was new and strange and different, and sometimes it went uphill, and sometimes it forked, and sometimes it turned abruptly and felt like I was going backwards but those little signs pointing out the way were always there and I trusted that. There were even little cul-de-sacs where I was meant to pick something up and turn around. My path now is a hodgepodge of things, a conglomeration of all I was shown, all I was told to pick up, everything I've learned. I know it's right because I feel it.

Now, I imagine there are some people who might accuse me of just making stuff up, but I no more did that than they just believed what they were told. I asked for guidance and it was given, and I knew it as well and any person ever knows that a prayer has been answered.

The divine is beautiful and It knows you in ways nothing else can. Trust in It. Ask for help and It will show you your way.

One Year Ago Today

was a Saturday. I don't remember if I went to rehearsal. I do remember cleaning the heck out of my house Friday night. I do remember telling my dad, who was staying with me on weekends, that he had to be elsewhere for the better part of the evening. I remember cooking dinner, though what I made I couldn't say, I'm pretty sure there was asparagus. The exact dinner is really irrelevant.

I had a date. He brought a bottle of wine and a couple movies: Gremlins, which he knew terrified me but I was willing to see, and I think we also saw the Village that night. He warned me when the scary, jump out at you part was coming. And I spent the evening in his arms.

It was the first of many evenings spent that way. Pretty much weekly, and also weekendly (that's my word, shut up): dinner, made or picked up or gone out, and then sitting together with something on the telly. I remember one time we sat there together on that couch and talked all night and never got around to turning the TV on at all.

And it's not all TV. Sometimes it's parties, corn mazes, theater, karaoke, little local cons, a trip to Connecticut. It's been a wonderful year.

We don't really see each other as often as I wish; sometimes the distance between our homes is poignant. But we do what we can and I'll happily take what I can get. Any time with him is time well spent. He is kind and patient and understanding and handsome and gentle and affectionate. He is one of the most beautiful people I know.

This day marked our first year. I got to spend the day in his arms or by his side, where I most wanted to be. We didn't do anything special, and that's just fine. Being with him is what I needed.

Our first year. It's been so wonderful. I look forward to all the years to come, and I know each one will be better than the last. I love him, and I am so lucky to have his love.

Equality

I know some of you are thinking "oh, no, is she really going to open this can of worms?" Yes, I will, because it's about basic rights and if your basic rights were being denied, you'd want someone to stand with you too.

I was pleased to see so many red equality symbols from the Human Rights Campaign among my Facebook friends yesterday. Even fan pages were showing support, and even fan pages for things that are not US-based. It was refreshing to see so much open support for such a hot topic.


I try to stay out of them, the hot topics (not Hot Topic, which is a pretty cool place to shop on the rare occasion I get to one), because my acquaintances are diverse and I try to be respectful even when I don't agree. But changing my profile picture for a couple days doesn't argue with anyone, which is really what I want to avoid. I'm not going to change anyone's mind and they're not going to change mine, so I try not to argue.

See, I'm fortunate. I'm female and I'm attracted to males and no one really has a problem with that. I'm fortunate that the right to marry whom I will (assuming whom I will also wants me) has never been denied me. Now, I've dated men of darker skin tones than I, one of them wasn't even born in this country, and there was a time when that would have been scandalous. But it's not so anymore, the laws changed and there is no problem with the mixing of skin colors in the eyes of the law. There is still a problem in the eyes of some people, and I experienced plenty of that, but we could have been married if we wanted to be. Things change. They have in the past and we can only hope they will continue to do so.

I'm pagan, I don't hide this. I'm an Eclectic Hermetic Wiccan Quaker. (There really isn't a word for what I believe, which is kinda cool when you get right down to it.) The main and supreme tenet of my belief is a part of the Wiccan Rede, "An it harm none, do what ye will." Harm none. Simple. Yes, it is impossible to go through life never harming another living thing, but it is possible to go through life without intent to harm another living thing, and intent is everything in my faith.

So, I support marriage equality. Why? Because it doesn't hurt anybody. Two consenting adults who want to share their lives and become their own family unit does not hurt me, and it does not hurt you, and it does not hurt the Earth, it does not hurt the children (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2013/03/18/peds.2013-0376). That's the truth. Simple.

The primary argument against marriage equality often sites the Bible as the reason. I'm not going to go into why I feel the Bible argument is wrong, but I will say the Bible argument is irrelevant. The United States of America is not a theocracy. If your god does not allow same-sex marriage, that's fine, just remember that your god's laws do not apply to everyone. And nor should they. My god's laws do not apply to everyone either. That is why I wear a veil and you may not and that's ok. Your beliefs are yours and no one is asking you to change them. What we are asking is that you keep them out of the federal laws, those are the laws that everyone must follow regardless of personal belief. That's really what it comes down to. If your dogma believes it's wrong, just don't do it. I don't understand why you think everyone has to follow your laws.

The other side of that is that the government can't make a properly registered and recognized church do anything. They can't make a church authority perform a same-sex marriage if such a thing disagrees with that church's dogma. Anyone trying to make that happen is not on the right path.

The bottom line: Live, let live, don't discriminate, and if it's not hurting you or someone else, it's not a battle worth fighting.

Songs

There is a song within my soul. I hear it all the time. It wants to be let out, but it's trapped and I don't know how to unlock the door.

Waterfall

Ah! Waterfall!

Not Fine

I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore. Between infrequent updates and spending so much time microblogging on Facebook, I'm pretty sure my dear readers have dispersed. And that's perfectly understandable, because I did seem to abandon this space in favor of smaller and faster and more frequent updates.

Which is why I'm here today. The rug has been pulled out from under me and I need to write about it somewhere. While I don't care who reads it, FB just isn't the place for this.

As the title suggests, dear readers who may or may not be, I am not fine. Jack and I are no more. After a year and a half of building a relationship that brought me such happiness and joy, he virtually told me it was all a lie. We had this conversation on February 21st, after a lovely weekend at a B&B that he bought for my birthday. There's never a good time to be told 'I love you but not that much,' but this was a pretty rotten time. After a lovely weekend with just the two of us, a beautiful blanket of snow on the ground, and lots of wine.

The story was that he was dating someone, whom I do not know by name or person, almost two years ago and he was still "hung up" on her. Their relationship ended 6ish months before mine began. But he knew he wasn't over her then, and started something with me anyway. We had a conversation about halfway through our not-quite-18 month relationship where he mentioned a bad break-up that he took very hard. Still, I had no idea it meant that he sometimes wished I was her.

So, in that Tuesday conversation a few weeks ago, he told me that he did love me, but that he couldn't love me with all of his heart because part of him still wanted SomeoneElse and he felt guilty about it. I asked him what he needed and he said he wasn't sure - he wasn't sure if he just needed me to know and we could keep on with our relationship while he worked out his lingering feelings for SomeoneElse, or if we needed to take a break while he worked out his lingering feelings for SomeoneElse, or if he needed to break up with me altogether to figure out what he really wanted. He told me I was wonderful, beautiful, awesome, and perfect and he didn't know why that wasn't enough. He said that he wished that he could just flip a switch and make the feelings for SomeoneElse go away, especially because he was certain there was no chance with her. I told him I loved him, and I wanted him to be happy even if that happiness was not with me, and that he needed to tell me what he needed and I would do it. We parted that day with the intent to keep on while he worked things out.

And then I cried for three days.

He checked up on me via text on Wednesday and Thursday and Sunday and we had another conversation over the phone Sunday night. I told him I didn't think this had to end us, but I would have to hold back to protect myself in the event that he did finally decide his happiness was not with me. I told him I didn't want him out of my life, but I couldn't promise that I could be reduced to just being his friend. I told him part of what I was thinking and feeling - wondering what I did wrong ("you didn't do anything wrong. I know it's a cliche, but it really is not you, it's me" "ok, but I didn't do enough right either."), wondering what more I could have done, wondering why I was so blind that I didn't see this happening, wondering if the happiness and love that I thought I had ever really existed at all ("it did"). We agreed to continue to date, but with the breaks on. We saw each other again the following Sunday. We just watched some movies, had dinner, and didn't talk at all. When we parted that day, he said "I'll see you this weekend."

And then I missed him.

I missed spending entire weekends with him. I missed him coming over during the week for an evening or two. I missed texting him "good morning" every day. I realized that no amount of distance I put between us would prevent me from hurting if he decided not to stay with me. And I realized this was the first test our relationship had faced. I thought that we could survive it, that I could continue to support him and be by him while he worked through what he was feeling and figured out what he wanted. I was sure we could do that together, and I was confident that he would (eventually) realize what he had and I would be happy again. So I told him on Wednesday, that's March 7th if you're keeping track, that I wanted to talk with him some more, and I rehearsed telling him exactly those things that I had been thinking.

Due to several factors, we couldn't get together until Sunday, yesterday. I started to worry and I started to doubt, but hope springs annoyingly eternal and I still had hope that he loved me and missed me and would be willing to work through this. So I drove the hour or so out to his place, we talked for 30 or 40 minutes, and then I drove home. I said what I wanted to say. I told him I missed him, and I loved him, and I didn't think we had to end. Then he told me we had to end. He said he needed to be alone to work things out, maybe date other people to find out what he really wanted or who he really missed. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. In what world does 'I need to date someone else to find out how much I really love you' make sense? He said he wanted to get in touch with me again in "a month or so" to see if he's made any progress or if he really misses me or whatever. He understands that I'm not going to wait around for that month or so, though I have nowhere to go at the moment, so I may or may not still be available by then. He said he understood that I couldn't promise that I could be his friend - and one day have to see him happy with someone new and wonder anew about what I did wrong ("it really is not you. This is all me.").

So that was it. Just like that, in less than three weeks, it's all over. The first test of our relationship and it failed, thoroughly and miserably. I gave him back his key, he gave me mine. He still has clothes at my house that he's going to have to come and get at some point because I don't have any out of the way place to stash them. Now that I've had a little time to think on things, I wish I hated him. I've never really been the dumpee before and offering my heart and watching him fling it to the floor and stomp on it is really hard to take. I wish I didn't love him, because it would be easier to let go if I hated him. He left me with a shred of hope and I'm clinging to it like a life line. If I didn't love him, I think I could let that go. I'm sure anger will come with some more time and maybe I'll give up on that feeble hope, and then anger will fade again. I'm mostly in shock still. There's nothing like thinking you have everything and then suddenly realizing you never had anything.

It makes me wish I never got together with him in the first place. Then he never would have been able to hurt me like this.

The Importance of Continuity

When my brother or I got sick when we were kids, we'd bring pillows and blankets to the couches and (mostly) sleep in front of the TV all day. We'd usually put Disney cartoons and such in the VCR. I think one time I was so sick and slept so much that Fantasia played to the very end of the tape and restarted itself - maybe more than once.

I was dreadfully sick last week. When I wasn't sleeping soundly in my bed, I moved to the couch for the endless loop of old cartoons to help me feel better. The 'toon of choice this time around was Defenders of the Earth from 1986. It was released on DVD a few years ago so I have the whole set. I remember watching the series- it was probably my first exposure to my favorite superhero, the Phantom.

The series itself doesn't really say what year it is supposed to be (or, if it does, I've never paid that much attention to it). But there is a note in the credits that states, "This is the 27th Phantom." There's a problem with this! In an episode, Return of the Sky Band, the '27th' Phantom refers to an incident with his grandfather "80 years ago, before World War 2." That, my friends, is the Kit Walker we all know and love, the 21st Phantom. That would make the DOE guy the 23rd Phantom. And if we're looking at the years, that puts the DOE series at around 2015, give or take.

But wait, there's more! The mini series Phantom 2040 is about the 24th Phantom. That takes place in, you guessed it, 2040. How can the 27th Phantom be in 2015, just 80 years after the 21st Phantom, but the 24th Phantom is in 2040, 25 years later? AH! Continuity FAIL!

Now, we could say that the DOE Phantom remarries and has a son in 2022 and completely forget about his daughter Jedda (who briefly became the 28th Phantom when she thought her father had died). Maybe she marries Rick Gordon and chooses to give up her right to the Phantom legacy when her little brother is born. We can just ignore that little "27" note in the credits and it can still work, right? RIGHT??

Really, DOE is considered crap by most fans of any of those King Features heroes, so it doesn't really have to be considered canon. I enjoyed it enough when I was seven. But however you look at it, just ignore that little note about 27 in the credits. Whoever thought that up was way off.

You Taught Me

You Taught Me that true friends are people who love you for who and what you are.
You Taught Me that true friends wouldn't try to hurt me, so if they say something that I take as hurtful, they probably didn't mean it.
You Taught Me to trust the people in my life, to trust that they have only the best intentions toward me.
You Taught Me the value of communication, to talk to my friends when they say something that hurts me, or when I feel they don't have the best intentions toward me.
You Taught Me to think about how I react to my friends and to talk to them when I feel hurt. Because You Taught Me that my true friends don't try to hurt me.
You Taught Me to pay attention to the lives of others.
You Taught Me that every day is not peaches and roses and maybe the distance my friend is showing is because of a bad day, not because of me.
You Taught Me how to be open and understanding. Because You Taught Me to talk to the people who matter.
You Taught Me to move on.
You Taught Me to be thankful for what I learned from the time we had together and to let you go your own way when that time has passed.

By your anger, by your mistrust, by your assumptions.
By the way you did not do these things, You Taught Me.

Looking Back on a Year

Quite a bit happened for me last year. It was a mix of blessings and trials. Of all the things that happened to me during the first three quarters of 2010, today I'm only thinking about one of them. The truth is, I was miserable. I had been miserable for more than a year. I held on to a toxic relationship long after it had died. Once I had freed myself from that, the world opened up.

I met Jack at a party over the summer. We chatted through the evening and I gave him my e-mail address before heading home. He sent me an e-mail, to which I replied, mentioning that my mother and aunt were visiting that Friday. He sent me another e-mail that he was going to ask me to dinner on Friday, but since I was busy, would I be interested in another night. That e-mail got buried in my inbox, and poor Jack took my silence to be a total rejection.

A month later, I found that e-mail while cleaning up my inbox. I felt horrible! I sent him a message, apologized profusely, and said that I was very interested in going out to dinner, if he still wanted to go. He said no harm done, and we started planning. I was working at the Renaissance Festival on Saturday and Sunday, but I wasn't working Labor Day, so Sunday night became the perfect time for that dinner.

I rode to faire with my dad that day, so Jack picked me up and we drove to a little Indian restaurant in Annapolis. I still remember him standing by a tree when I walked out of the gate. The Indian place was my choice, I had been there before with my brother and it was close. We had a lovely dinner, and then he drove me to my parents' house where I was staying that night. I remember he quoted Romancing the Stone ("my little mule" to which I replied "Pepe!" We were talking about my car, because it was the same model he drove) and thanked me for getting the reference.

We saw each other several more times through September and following. We went to a street festival and a couple corn mazes. We spent time together for my birthday. One conversation in particular I remember was when he mentioned that his parents had a time share in Cancun for early December and had invited us to go. I remember that so well not just because I was being invited, but because it meant that he spoke of me to his parents. That was really big for me. And so our outings also include a week in Cancun.

Some days, we'll go out and do something, some days, we'll stay in and watch old TV shows all day. Every day is perfect, whether we go out or stay in.

We had gotten tickets to a Journey concert at a venue very near my home. The concert was supposed to be last Sunday, but Hurricane Irene messed everything up. The concert was postponed a week, putting it on the night of our one year first date anniversary. I was really upset upon learning this a couple days before the concert was originally scheduled. I had other ideas for what we might do with that particular evening (i.e. going back to that Indian restaurant after I got off at the faire), and getting to the concert on time would be impossible because of the shift I was supposed to work at faire. There was also the hurricane itself. I had decided to stay home with my cats because they were agitated from the earthquake. It was looking like I would not see Jack at all that weekend (because of the storm) and probably not even for our anniversary either (because he would go to the concert and I would be stuck working at faire). I think this may be why I spent every waking moment of that Friday crying. I'm not exaggerating that, I cried myself sick, though I honestly have no idea why.

As it was, the storm passed, leaving me out of power, so I hung with Jack that Sunday. Then, for what I think is the first time in eight years, I got someone to cover my shift at the faire so I could make the concert.

You're just going to have to take my word that is Journey up there.

I saw Jack before I worked at the faire on Saturday as well. Then we ended up at my place yesterday, went to the concert, and hung around here all day. The concert was great, even though that wasn't my initial idea of how to spend our anniversary. Everything worked out just fine.

Honestly, that's them!

Jack is a wonderful man. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He's kind and patient, he's talented and creative. Neither of us knows what the future holds for us, and that's ok. I long stopped hoping I would have what I have now. Sometimes I find myself wondering how I got here at all. Then I realize that 'how' doesn't matter. I love that man. That is what matters.

Installing Spring

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The State of Things

Yeah.

The Dreams of Others

She writes: "I dreamed that there were sleepy kittens (all curled up into little purring fluffballs) floating around the house like clouds... I could reach out and cuddle one and then set it back in the air and it would just start floating again."

Take a moment.

It's That Time of Year

We interrupt your anticipation of reading all about my trip to Cancun to rehash that debate that happens every year. You know the one I'm talking about: the one where Christians get pissed off if you don't wish them a "Merry Christmas" and where atheists and others get pissed off if you do.

In 2005, I wrote this blog post about the whole thing, and my opinion really hasn't changed. I read this article on MSN this morning and feel the need to repeat a few things.

The author, P.J. Orvetti, writes:

About 76 percent of Americans identify themselves as Christian, down from 86 percent two decades ago. The nation has about 3.1 million Jews, 530,000 Muslims, and 400,000 Buddhists. Anywhere from 10 to 15 percent of Americans say they
practice no particular religion, with about 1.2 million calling themselves
atheists.

For most of the year, none of this is a big deal. We go along and get along. But as December rolls around, things get as sticky as a popcorn ball.

Yep. Pretty much. That's largely because holidays of various faiths and non-faiths don't really run together in such an in-your-face way as the winter holidays do. I particularly like the next paragraph:

The issue is that in today’s America, there are really two Christmases. The first is the second most holy festival on the Christian calendar; the second is
a largely secular holiday that is all about shopping or family, depending who
you ask. One is about a baby in a manger; the other features an aerodynamic
reindeer with a fluorescent proboscis.

Yep. Pretty much. This is also why I can spend Christmas Eve with Jack and his family even though my celebration of the holiday that is important to me would have been celebrated and done by then. This is why I can take my fond memories of Christmas as a Catholic and still love what it meant to me then, and respect what it doesn't mean to me now. Truth be told, it never really was about celebrating the birth of Christ. I think quite a lot was lacking from my early Catholic education (I take this as a benefit; I don't have the bitterness that many former Catholics have towards the faith). But, I digress.

The real reason this article struck me was at the very end. The author echoed the sentiments that I wrote five years ago:

I do not think of myself as a “Christian” in a traditional sense, but I was raised in the Christian tradition and have a great love for it, so perhaps I
cannot fully appreciate how a member of another faith might take offense at a
“Merry Christmas.”

But I’m happy to be wished a merry or happy or jolly anything. With so much animosity all year round, just take the cheerful greeting for what it’s intended to be -- a bit of good spirit at the end of a long year. [Bolding added by me for emphasis.]

And for good measure, I will quote my own words from that blog post all those
years ago:

I'll put this to you; instead of greeting me or wishing me happiness with something that means something to me, why not wish me happiness with a blessing that means something to you? I want a Jew to wish me a Happy Hanukkah. I want a Christian to wish me a Merry Christmas. I want to hear Happy Kwanzaa from my African-descended friends. And by gum, if a coven
wants to run around screaming Happy Yule, I want them to!

The point of this and any holiday blessing, you see, is to take something that is important, loving, meaningful, and everything else that it is to you and share it with me. This is a part of you, something that has meaning in your life. What a wonderful thing it is to take a piece of that and give it to another person, wishing nothing in return but responding in kind. How much of that other person do you learn by one blessing that leaves their lips and is directed towards you? This is the
embodiment of perfect love and perfect trust; no matter what words you use, your
holiday greeting says "This time of year is important to me, I hope you are
enjoying it too." This time of year is not about others accepting what you
believe, it is about connecting with people.

And while I'm at it, if someone wishes you a Merry Christmas and you have no idea how important such a blessing is to them: Be gracious! Who cares if it means nothing to you? Why can't you just accept the blessing for what it is and say 'thank you?' Does that hurt? Instead of saying 'I want to be greeted this way' accept that someone thought enough about you to greet you at all, and they thought enough about you to give a part of them to you. Oh, how truly blessed you are to receive such a wonderful thing. Gratitude, friends, is what you give in return, and perhaps a heartfelt wish from you to them.

Still with me?

It's ok to remember what this season means to you, if it means anything at all. It's ok to wish happiness upon strangers and family and friends too. And it's ok to do so even if they don't share your beliefs. And if someone wishes you a happy whatever holiday you don't celebrate, please just say "thank you" if you don't want to return the greeting in kind. We're all on the same planet, breathing the same air, and trying to go about our days on the smoothest path possible. Don't be a part of the problem. It's not worth it. What is worth it is to share a little kindness, no matter the sentiment, with others.

Blessings of the Day

May the Fourth be with you!

A Bit of Wisdom

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt."
~ William Shakespeare

Critical Thinking

"Thinking about your thinking while you're thinking in order to make your thinking better."

Quoted from one of Phoenix's nursing school books. Seriously.

Critical thinking apparently does not involve thinking about what you're saying before you say it so as to not appear a redundant idiot. Isn't there some rule about not using a word to define itself?

On A Completely Side Note

Why is it that I got a slew of comments yesterday from people saying "this post is interesting" or "I enjoy reading things like this and I want to read more," and several other really irrelevant and inappropriate things?

I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY SICK AND DYING PET, YOU HEARTLESS ASSHOLES! IF YOU'RE GOING TO POST NONSENSE COMMENTS AT LEAST PRETEND YOU READ THE THING! THE ONLY THING YOU SUCCEEDED IN DOING WAS PISSING ME OFF, YOU UNFEELING FUCKS!

No, I did not approve any of them because I was insulted. This is my blog, damnit. If you're just here to slip in a comment and you're not even going to pretend to read, go the hell away. You could not have picked a more tactless time to prove your idiocy.

Gratitude

I knew someone in college who had the wonderful talent of smiling graciously and saying "thank you" whenever anyone paid her any compliment. I told her about that once, that she says thank you were most anyone else will try to act like it's no big deal. She said it was because it is not her place to downplay someone's opinion. She said a person is giving a compliment for a reason, and it's not up to her to determine if it's genuine or not. I must say, I loved complimenting her, because she was always so gracious about it.

When I get compliments, I remember her. Being modest and bashful is one thing, but I've stopped trying to contradict people’s opinions. It does not hurt to be gracious.