A Picture-Perfect Day

Due to my serious lack of updating, I have yet to post about my wedding! It was a rather frigid day on November 15, 2014. It wasn't so bad outside in the sun, but in the barn for the reception was downright cold. We brought everyone back to the house for crazy karaoke and celebration with actual warmth. Really, even with the cold, it was a perfect day. 

All photos below are by the lovely and talented Rachel of Patchie [Photography].

 

Yes, my dad wore his kilt. I expected nothing less!

 

We exchanged swords as part of our ceremony. It was fantastic!

My dear friend Fox was our minister.

Swords in the ceremony gave us this awesome opportunity for a sword arch!

I have nothing to say about this picture. I don't know if one of us said something funny or we just have reason to smile!

Truth be told, we have some good-looking friends!

A picture-perfect day. The swords went along with our Skyrim-esque theme.

We danced to "How Long Will I Love You," by the Waterboys, covered by by Jon Boden, Sam Sweeney, and Ben Coleman (from the About Time soundtrack).

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I had a bad day yesterday, entirely of my doing.

A few years ago, long before I ever needed one, I was given a wedding dress. A friend of mine had purchased the dress with intent to sell it on eBay but, while it was in her closet, her cat decided it was a good place for claws, so there are some tiny punctures in the outer tulle of the skirt. She decided she couldn't sell it like that so she wanted to give it to someone who could use it. Long story short, it ended up in my lap. And it fit me perfectly. I was planning on altering it into some cool bustle thing, but it hung on my dress form for a year and then ended up in a bag in my closet. And then I was engaged! Yay! And I already had a dress!

Except, after I was laid off in May of 2013, I put on a lot of stress weight. A lot. I was heavier than I had ever been in my life by the end of that year, and the dress that I suddenly had a use for no longer fit. I started working to lose all that extra weight at the beginning of the year. I lost 13 lbs by March and put 4 of them back on. I've been yo-yoing around that weight ever since. Sure, things get in the way like Renaissance Festivals and vacations, but I'm doing my best: exercising at least 3 days a week where I can, adjusting my food.

My best is getting me no where. In fact, it's the opposite of what I want. The scale keeps going up, my clothes fit tighter and tighter. And the dress is no where nearer fitting like it used to. Yesterday morning, the scale went up again, and I have never hated my body so much. Why is it betraying me? I'm working out, daily now, with weights and cardio. I'm eating less calories and more protein. What more do I have to do? Do I need to spend every waking moment exercising? Shall I drop to 600 calories a day so my body will starve into the size I need? And I hated myself for hating myself so much.

I know that none of that is the answer. Having a fresh look at things today, I think the main problem is the goal. The last time I had a lot of weight to lose, some 11 years ago when I took my very first desk job, my only goal was to stay healthy. And I did it and in three months, I was in a good place, and in three more months I was in the best shape of my life. It was never about my shape, it was always about taking care of myself. That's not the goal right now, taking care of myself. The goal is to fit into the dress, because with less than four months to go, having a dress that doesn't fit is the same as having no dress at all.

I have a solution for the dress. I dreamed about it, actually, and I know it will work. I can cover the back zipper and add some loops so I can lace it up like a corset. That will take care of the sizing issues. But, even with this plan in mind, I'm still focusing on fitting into the dress. It's time to take action, to make those alterations a reality and complete them. That will remove the unhelpful goal and put the focus back where it needs to be, on being healthy.

I haven't quite forgiven my body for betraying me, but it's a process. I know what I need to do. The good news, though, even as terrible as I felt about it all yesterday, I still got up at 6 am and did some exercising this morning. I didn't hate my lack of progress so much that I gave up. One step at a time. Take away the deadline and focus on what I should have been focusing on all along.

Stuff Stuff Stuffy Stuff

I know, that doesn't really say much. I've been writing out this post for months.

The last you saw of me here was that I was laid off, and struggling to keep my head above water. I did it, I knew I would.

I moved back to Maryland at the end of June, and my house has been on the market since. It's under contract now, which is a very good thing because I'm almost out of money. I found an awesome, if part-time, job that I very much enjoy, but it's not going to pay for the house.

The post started out tons longer than it's going to end up. All the things I was going to tell you about what has been happening in the past several months isn't important now.

So, a week ago today was my birthday. The weekend just before that was spent at the Maryland Renaissance Festival, as has been my party tradition for the past 20-some years. My birthday party did not, in the slightest way, go according to plan.

You see, this happened.

We talked about getting married sometimes. Hell, we live together, it's like being married! But nothing was real or official or some other word I can't come up with. Nothing was expected, and I wasn't taking it for granted that it would just happen some day. And then some day happened.

We had been going about the faire as usual. I was a little irritated because I had plans for how I wanted to spend my day and those plans just weren't happening. The important people I wanted with me were not around (yeah, I'm talking about you, Fox and Fae) and even my dad, who is responsible for this whole tradition, was scarce. I wanted to see some shows and do some shopping and it's my day to spend with the people I want to spend it with, dammit! Dav was with me, of course, but he had friends there that he wanted to spend time with. But we're from different worlds, you see. Dav and his friends hang at the Dragon, I'm a White Hart girl. Someone's got to do the giving if one of us is going to be with our 'group.' The day just wasn't going the way I expect my party days to go. I hope I didn't appear as irritated as I was with that, at least. I'd rather be agreeable and flexible than not.

It was late afternoon, I was shopping and the shop keeper was busy with a bunch of stuff and Dav later told me he was getting very impatient. I picked up on a bit of that, and he explained it was because his mom and another friend would be leaving soon and he wanted to spend some time with them before they left. We did eventually end up at the Dragon with the group. Another issue is that his group hangs in the smoking section and, as sensitive as I am to that evil migraine-inducing smoke, I stayed as far away as I politely could.

So, he came back to where I was sitting and pulled me with him a bit saying there was something he wanted to show me that he thought I would really like. He took me to a mostly out-of-the-way place behind the chapel and maneuvered me into just the right position so his lovely friend Rachel could take that photograph at just the right moment. Then he said "we didn't meet at faire, but we met because of faire" and took a knee and took out a box said a few other things that my brain simply did not retain. "Will you marry me" was in there. I know I said some form of yes, but I don't know what else. I feel bad that I don't remember more of the details of that moment. I was joyfully crying, he was joyfully crying. Whatever irritation I was feeling that day had no more reason to be. For the next two days, I was subjecting everyone around me to cheesy grins and joyful tears.

My dad was telling everyone who crossed his path. People he knew well, people he knew a little, people he didn't know at all. He had known for two weeks that this was going to happen 'some time.' Dav and I drove together two weeks prior and he hung out while I was working. Sometime during the course of that day, he pulled my dad aside and asked for his blessing. And dad told him his chances of getting a yes out of me were probably pretty good.

I called my brother that evening, even before talking to my mom, because that's not the kind of thing I can tell my mother over the phone, you know? We stopped by the house on our way home, under the ruse that I had to pick something up but forgot my key so she wouldn't go to bed before we got there. We walked in and I said "I lied. I don't have to get anything. We're getting married!"

Honestly, marriage is one of those things that I never hoped for or dreamed about. It was something that I always thought I'd never have, so I told myself I didn't want it. And then my relationship with Dav started happening and I started wanting things that I'd spent years telling myself I didn't want, or didn't need, or didn't deserve. Someone very special to me taught me that none of those things are true, just by being the wonderful person he is.

I'm going to marry that man.