I Can't Believe I Just Thought of This

Someone posted a thread on the Etsy forums this morning asking for witty replies to the people who say we (as professional artisans) don't have a real job. Some people came up with some pretty funny things. I was thinking about this question, and thinking that, as a ventriloquist, I should be able to come up with a funny retort to everything.

I know my skills as a ventriloquist have nothing to do with my ability as a comedian (really, I know this!), but that's not the point.

The point is, I NEED A GNOME PUPPET!

Don't get me wrong. I love Gloria and we work well together. But I need a Gnome! Noam, the puppet version! Maybe I need to find Noam's voice before I find or make him in puppet form, but seriously! Why didn't I think of this before?!

Issued Accepted Met

Somewhere, I challenged myself to make my own Peanut doll. Hopefully, Mr Dunham won't get mad at me for doing it. (Maybe it would help that I still plan to buy one if I ever can?)

I worried that I did not have the right colors, until I realized that I did. In the style of my Garden Gnomes (i.e. no arms), I bring you: Peanut, the amigurumi!

Peanut has a light yellow body and a purple head, tummy and feet. He is wearing one red shoe and has a small tuft of green hair on his head. I didn't time his creation, but it was probably three hours or thereabouts. So, Peanut fans, how did I do?

Sorry, folks, you will never see him in my shop (that is not yet open). I don't have the rights to sell Peanut (I try very hard to be mindful of copyright toes). But, that doesn't mean I can't draw inspiration, and challenge my skills as a crocheter, from the things around me, right? I'm proud of him, and of my ability to see something in my mind and make it happen in my yarn. It's a good feeling. My mother thinks I should send Jeff Dunham a picture. What do you think? I think he probably never expected one of his characters to go kawaii!

Great Show

Truth be told, if you've seen a Jeff Dunham DVD, his shows are just like it. Of course, the DVDs are recorded from shows, so that's to be expected. Our seats were really too far away in the 10,000-seat arena to see much other than watching on the big screen behind him. One of my coworkers kindly told me, "this is just not supposed to be a learning experience!" I suppose what I learned at my first live ventriloquist performance was some tricks of showmanship.

But, he brought out our favorite friends. Walter said they did a good job decorating the gym, which is the literal truth for this arena.


Achmed sang Jingle Bombs from the newest DVD (which I still need to purchase, but I have seen it). It's a little odd. I heard about Achmed from Turtle before I saw Spark of Insanity, and I wasn't sure I would like him. Jeff has a great talent for being funny without being offensive (in my opinion). And, if he is offensive, he tends to exclude no one. Well, except for the tree-hugging pagans. It's only a matter of time, I think....


José Jalapeño (on a Stick) was having some lockjaw issues (stick malfunction?), but Jeff worked it out behind the lid of the case. It wouldn't be a Jeff Dunham show without him and Peanut. I need a Peanut doll. They are so hard to find! Every now and then, I'll check eBay. Peanut runs a good $200 or so. I wonder if Jeff would be upset with me if I made a Peanut amigurumi. Hmm... I think I challenged myself....


When we all thought it was done, Jeff came back with Bubba J. He confessed that it had been some time since they worked together and needed to read from some "notes." But, that didn't matter, because the audience knew that part of the act, and were helping Bubba J with his punchlines (even though Bubba J said he knew his lines). That was actually amazingly funny, and Jeff was a great sport about it.


My last picture is . . . my ticket! I had a little practice puppet with me; one of my friends did not know I was studying ventriloquism. I'm no where near performance capacity, but I know I will complete my lessons this year. And, hopefully, I will finish building my first puppet too. When Phoenix's boyfriend visited us in October, he brought me a monkey puppet. I haven't found her voice yet but I'm working on it. The contingency was that I need to not scare his little daughter with it, who was terrified of the gray fuzzy thing. I'm working on that, too!


It was a great night. The show ran longer than both Phoenix and I expected it to, but I think that's great. I can't say the show wasn't worth the price I paid for it. I do hope I'll get a chance to see him again. Oh, and to whatever company owns the rights to Lamb Chop's Play Along: how about some DVDs, please?? We have so little opportunity to watch great ventriloquists in action.

New Beginnings

Those of you who know me, or spend even a little time here, know that I am an artist. My artistic interests are many and varied, from digital art to music to dolls. A number of folks have asked when I plan to start selling the things that I make. The answer, my friendly blog readers, is soon!

Back in my days as a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant, one very important point was drilled into my head. It is just one part of a great business model that I took to heart and have never forgotten. I have offered it to shopkeepers asking for opinions, to friends when they ask why I don't have a shop of my own, and it is at the front of my mind when I am shopping myself. I know you want to hear it, and I want to tell it to you.

"You can't sell from an empty wagon."

As a consumer, and we all are, I know this is true. It is something that I often sum up simply in the phrase "instant gratification." If I buy something, I want it now. I want to see what my money got me, put the thing to use, know I have what I wanted or needed. Some waiting is allowed for things like shipping, but if I have to wait for things like building or making, I will likely go some other place. If what is in the store is simply an idea, that is not something I am likely to buy. So, my shop needs inventory.

Over the course of the next month or so, I will be making inventory. I have great ideas for what will be offered in my shop, but to keep the starting out simple, I will have only four categories. Four items among two of them are already completed, and one will be finished before the week is out. That's a good start, isn't it?

You already know most of what will be found in my store. And, if you missed it, click the label "crafts" and see what I've been up to. As of today, that label will get its own blog, http://fyrecreeksbazaar.blogspot.com/ and I hope you will come often to get information about my products and see what's new in the shop, once the shop arrives. A website devoted to this endeavor will be coming to the interwebs soon as well.

In other news, Jeff Dunham is going to be at the Patriot Center this evening. Phoenix and I and a few of our friends have tickets! As a student of ventriloquism, I am very excited to see a live performer. I've seen puppeteers who are not ventriloquists, and many TV shows and DVDs, and I know much about the art from my own studies. But, nothing compares to being able to see a professional ventriloquist in action. I am very excited!

A Wish for a Shroud

I feel like hiding. I feel like I have nothing in common with the people I always associate with. I don't want anyone around, and there are only a handful of people I want to still be there when I do want people around again. I need a hermitage and I've got nothing. It doesn't matter anyway. No matter how many friends I have, I'll always be alone.

Yesterday, someone told me that a lot of my opinions and ideas are farcical. A couple people this morning said the same thing, and no, it was not in jest. I think I'm better off just keeping them to myself. Who gives a damn about what I think anyway?

I got my graded mid-course ventriloquism exam and a nifty certificate of completion for the first half of the course yesterday. So many people can move their lips while nothing is coming out. Now I can say a whole lot of nothing without moving my lips. Go me. Well, really, go me. In the letter, the owner of Maher Studios mentioned that I got a 100% score and that doesn't happen very often. Really, go me! I was even named, along with other recent graduates, on the owner’s blog. I feel accomplished.

There's still no word on my loan. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to settle in three days without one.

I talked to Turtle yesterday. The first thing she said was "Because I haven't heard from you, I assume you didn't get the house." That's actually the second time she has said that to me. No, the reason I haven't talked to Turtle in a while is because she tends to assume no news is bad news, so by the time we do talk, she's all with the doom and gloom. Thanks for your confidence, Turtle. Monty wasn't much better. The last message I got from him was asking if he needed to change move date plans (because he's going to help me). Really, guys, if plans change, I will let all of you who are involved know as soon as I can. Right now, I'm still expecting to settle on Friday. I'm still expecting to take apart my bed and cram it into the CR-V, and probably get some food in the house. And I'm still expecting to take a truck over to my grandmother's with big strong men in tow to get her very old loveseat. If anything changes, I will let the people directly affected know about it. A little trust that I will do that would be nice too. Now that I think about it, only Fox, LDS, and TG haven't assumed the worst because I have no news yet. Thanks, guys! (I know I've never named LDS and TG before. I hope LDS will find my choice of name amusing. TG is my friend with whom I've been snowboarding.)

Actually, I'm expecting to hear from either the sales lady or the loan guy today. And then we'll find out if plans really need to change. I don't think they will.

Now that I've said all that, I'll keep my ludicrous ideas to myself and get back to work.

Not Sure if Stranger Things Have Happened

I got to spend a little time with Monty today. His third child and first daughter was born earlier this week and his wife insisted he was due a little "Monty time" because of the everything he's been doing. Sounds great, right?

As it turned out, our planned outing of food and cheap horror flick in his neck of the woods had a few snags. The first was that I haven't been sleeping very well lately and last night was no exception. Due to this, I had a headache. Because of this, it seemed that cavorting around an area that I don't really know in the dark of night would not have been a good idea. Nice that my friend agreed with me. We decided on a compromise; we'd meet at the theater where I used to work, a good thirty minute drive for both of us. Sounded great. Except that the time that Monty was 'allowed' to be out was reduced to either food or a flick, there suddenly wasn't time for both.

Based on the times the flick was showing and the fact that I really needed food, we chose to go with just a decently nice dinner. And it was, Monty even got to reconnect with someone who used to work for him.

During our various conversations which didn't involve talk about the baby (I'm not really a baby person, it only reminds me that I won't have any), we got to talking about my house.

Some time ago, I think I mentioned how I don't enjoy being out with Monty like I used to. We always manage to start talking about how really awful his life is. Really, it's me listening to him complain about mowing his very green grass, around the kids in the yard and the wife in the kitchen making mimosas. Yes, yes, I know his life really isn't that picturesque, but it still bugs me to hear him complain about his kids, his spouse, his mortgage. We did get a little of that in today, and when he asked me if his grass was really greener, I had a reply to which he had none, "I'd like to have a problem like that."

Anyway, we only spoke briefly about that, and it was in reference to why our evening was cut short. And before any of you, fair readers, want to yell at me for taking a man out of his house when his wife just had a baby; she gave me permission. I made him put her on the phone so I could hear it from her that it was ok.

So, the story that I'm trying to tell is a part of our conversation. I told him about the house. And I told him about my reality of it. No, I'm not imagining watching deer frolic in the green while I sit on my porch drinking tea. Though, that may happen and it'd be cool. My reality is that I'm expecting I'll spend many a night on a couch in my house, clutching my TV cow and crying that I'm still oh, so lonely. I'm expecting to spend many a good Saturday vacuuming. And, I'm expecting to swim through mud on rainy days to get to my car. I'm also expecting to fill my house with the smell of cheesecake baking in my kitchen. I'm expecting to paint my windows like stained glass. I'm expecting to get more practice time with my instruments and ventriloquism, because there's no one else in the house to bother. Sure, I'll have to clean up some dirt from the carpet, but it will be mine to clean.

Monty said he thinks I'm ready for it. He thinks I've done my research and made my plan, and a good plan that will work for me. He thinks I don't have an unrealistic view of what I'm facing. Coming from someone who has three out of the four things I wanted in life, that means quite a lot.

We didn't go our ways yesterday with me feeling how I always seem to feel when we get together. That's nice. I'm not sure if stranger things have happened, but I'm sure glad I had the support of my friend today.

Wondrous Words

One of my favorite reference sites, How Stuff Works, has a featured article today about the Rosetta Stone. Language is one of my passions. Unfortunately, I so love language that it's very hard for me to focus on becoming proficient on one at a time. As a result, I know bits and pieces of a lot of them.

I was fortunate during my last trip to England to accidentally wander into the Egypt section at the British Museum. Suddenly and without warning, there it was. My mother was more giddy than I have ever seen her about standing in front of the Rosetta Stone. This remarkable slab of basalt has quite a history. It has perplexed and defeated many a worthy scholar through the years before linguistic experts cracked its code. It was no easy process.

Suddenly, we, the people of the world, had a window into an ancient civilization that had previously escaped our study. All from the power of language.

Becoming more proficient in any one of the languages that I know pieces about is on my list of things to do. And someday, I shall. Focus is key, I think, so I think I'll finish ventriloquism (which is like a language itself) before I turn to those other words. It's terrible to leave things half done!

Me and Gloria

I took Gloria to the Faire today. I was going to buy her some shoes and a little hat, and possibly look at a chemise, but that wasn't so important.

She spent the day sitting on my basket. A few people stopped to talk to us while we were walking in, and I made sure Gloria knew that was going to happen all day. We met Fox at the gate, who had with him a choice of two Tall Toad hats that Fae doesn't wear anymore. Though her dress is mostly green, Gloria took our advice and went with the blue hat that brought out the color of her eyes. (Fox, you never told me how much you want for that, and I forgot to ask!) Then it was a quick stop to pick up something for my mother, drop it off at dad's booth, and grab some lunch. More people stopped to talk to us and take pictures with us. Then we went to the shoe store, Medieval Moccasins, so she could get a pair just like mine. The owner knew at a glance that she would wear a size four. After that, it was down to Tall Toad to show off her hat and shoes. And more stopping for pictures. We went by the booth where Fox has been working, Lloyd Studios, and the lovely proprietress gifted Gloria with a little dagger of her very own. After that, we went back to dad's booth for a length of leather cord to tie as a belt, and then off to Unicorn Clothiers for that chemise that she now had to have. Fox had to work a couple hours, so Gloria and I caught a couple shows and did a little shopping and stopped for more pictures before going back to pick him up. We stopped for more pictures (Gloria was really being a trooper about that, she wasn't getting annoyed at all), double checked dinner plans, and then planted in the pub for Pub Sing. Gloria had a great day, and she was so tired she slept in the car while the rest of us had dinner.

Sorry if that picture up there is a little blurry! People seem to have a hard time keeping still for the amount of time one must be still while using my camera. We didn't get a picture of Gloria's dagger or chemise, but I'll be sure to show you once I get it all straightened out and properly fit and all that.

I knew this would be a hard day, because I knew my arm would be in the same position all day, and I knew I'd get more ventriloquist practice than I do in a general week. But it was great practice for me, and a whole lot of fun. At about 1730, I had to switch arms. Gloria complained every time someone called her a puppet or a dummy. We also found out she's ticklish on her feet. The lady at the shoe store first picked up a size three before the gent who worked there said it would be a four, then broke down laughing because he had just "sized a dummy." He had to go to the back room to calm down! The lady was worried about getting the shoes on the matched feet, and tried not to tie them too tight. Gloria squirmed quite a bit, and even snatched her foot away. The things they do that we don't expect! At the end of that, the gent came back out and said he had been having not a very nice day until we came in. That made all three of us feel good (you know, Gloria and Fox and me). Adults tended to be more receptive, which surprised me a little. There was one lady who pulled me aside and asked me to speak to her young son. There is a performer there who has a sheep puppet by the name of Juliette. He is not a ventriloquist and doesn't even try. I was happy to run into him, though, so Juliette and Gloria had a nice little conversation. I hope I can bring her again sometime, but I know there once was a patron who came with a monkey puppet and the Faire powers that be asked him not to bring it again. I'm not worried, the first trip was to buy Gloria things, the second will be next year and to show off her garb to the wonderful shop people who helped with it. And if anyone asks, I really am an employee and have a pass to prove it.

Jobs and Things

So, who's noticed I've been talking a lot about work lately? I know you all have, and I'm sorry. Work has been so busy that it's all I've got to talk about.

If you want to know, I had my annual eye exam yesterday and the surgeon said everything was perfect. (Fox, did you stop looking into that?) I haven't been riding for a long while, but we plan to do it today. It's been hotter than Hell here. I think of my friend Willow every time I see a butterfly (why is that, Willow?) and a pretty white one just flew by my window.

Ok, this is kind of funny.

Sometime during the Summer, I looked at a lot of ventriloquist websites. During those random searches, I found this awesome device; a stand that attaches at waist so a ventriloquist and walk around with their buddy on a little platform with them (also freeing up a hand because the other doesn't have to be used to hold our friends up). Cool, huh? Well, when I found it months ago, I didn't make note of it. So, yesterday, I decided I might actually want to buy it, and I tried every word combination I could think of to locate it. It just wasn't happening. I searched all morning, and though I could accurately describe the thing for the search engine, none of the words I chose were what the actual website used. I got very frustrated, and went to lunch and an after-lunch meeting thoroughly annoyed. I am the Queen of Dig, I can find anything!

I told one of my coworkers about it and why I was thoroughly frustrated when I returned from my meeting and decided to search again. This time, I didn't try to describe the thing, I tried the most likely term that I used when I accidentally ran across it the first time. Wouldn't you know, it was on the first website that came up! Yes, my previous searches did bring up that website, I just didn't look close enough to see it there (because I was so certain that my search terms would bring me right to it, I think). I really am the Queen of Dig, and I really can find anything if it's out there to be found. Sometimes, I guess I just need to get out of my own way!

Don't worry, I copied the link and the name of the site and e-mailed it to myself, so I'll be sure to find it if/when I decide to buy it.

Work is still busy and pretty much all I have to talk about. It took me two hours this morning to work two e-mails, and one of them is not yet complete.

Happy Independence Day

We were going to kayak today like we do on all warm-weather holidays, but alas! The unexpected jolt of Monday made that impossible. I actually felt well enough in the morning to go (thanks to you, drugs!), but I was sure it wouldn't last long. It was such a beautiful day, I couldn't just spend it inside though.

So, we celebrated Independence Day by eating breakfast on the back patio (the first time this year, actually). I spent the rest of the morning dying the fleece for my puppet. This was an interesting process. I found an old plastic tub that was large enough, an old dowel rod that had been many things in it's day (a wand, a lightsaber, a sword, a mold for ring making, many things indeed!) to stir it, and, surprisingly, enough salt. This was a process because it involved constant stirring and that didn't feel too nice. But the dye took well and now it just has to dry. Poor Miss Luna can't go into my brother's old room while it's drying. She's distraught!

Then we got in touch with Fox and Fae and walked to Annapolis. We ate lunch at the Market House. I had a huge yummy hot dog and some Boardwalk Fries (diets don't count on holidays and vacations, you know). We were going to try to take one of the boat rides, but the timing wasn't quite right. The one that we could make was more money than we wanted to pay on a non-paycheck week. So, we did some window shopping instead and got some yummy ice cream. By then, that was all the walking around that my shoulders, back, and ankle could take and dad was starting to hurt too. So, home we went.

We never get to see fireworks because they start too late for us and morning comes very early in the morning. I'll be going to bed to the distant booming of intentional explosives, I'm sure. Next year, though, we can paddle out to Annapolis and watch the fireworks from the comfort of our kayaks. I've been wanting to do that since I started kayaking! I'm so glad the 4th will be Friday next year.

Now, it's time to sit back with a good videotape of Independence Day (I'm talking about the 1996 film, here!).

All Over the Place

Maybe not really, but it sure feels like that today!

This morning, Callie had to go to the vet for her annual checkup. Being a big, nearly nine year old cat, she's in good health. It's always so hard to take Callie to the vet. And it's not about getting an 18 lbs cat into a tiny cage, but that she mews the whole way. And she mews in two pitiful syllables that sound rather distinctly like my name. But I was also able to find out that we've got the cats on a rather good food. We're feeding them a special Indoor formula Cat Chow, and the doctor said low in protein is good for older, less active cats. I could go lower in protein, but this is a pretty good number. Good! Changing a cat's food is a pain! And I think she's already forgiven me for her morning ordeal.

I do regret that one day I will move away and have to find another doctor for my kitties. We've been taking our animals to the Brandywine Animal Hospital for as long as we've had them. I even worked there my last year of high school. That was by far the best job I'd ever had.

The rest of the day was shopping and lots of it! I got a memory foam mattress topper for my bed (maybe it will help) and the Planet Earth series on DVD ($20 cheaper than their website, I might add).

This evening is not a home to myself night. VARF is over and dad will now be home most Saturdays while mom is visiting her mother. It's ok, tonight, I plan to sit at the table out back and start building my puppet. There's no threat of thunderstorms, so I don't have to worry about getting drenched mid-construction. I still need to find something to dye the fleece in, and some place to put it while it dries. Hmmm....

Well, better get to work. I hope everyone had a great, low-humidity Saturday!

And this concludes the 500th blog entry!

Not Much Today

Today saw a little bit of shopping (for vitamins and a mouse for mom's new laptop), yummy lunch at the Dutch Market, groceries at Trader Joe's, and a nap. My mother and I were going to try to see Fantastic Four today, but we napped a long time. I need to run by the craft store and the hardware store, so we'll head down there for that and dinner, and save the movie for next week.

I'm sorry I'm such a bore today!

Oh! Maybe you can help me!

I bought an instruction-less kit on e-Bay for building a hand puppet. Don't be alarmed, I knew there were no instructions. With my previous creative skills in doll-making and sculpture, and the numerous websites with blogs and tips on the Internet, I'm not concerned. It looks pretty intuitive anyway. My problem is that I have absolutely no idea what color to dye the Antron fleece (commonly called Muppet fleece) that will serve as the 'skin' of my figure.

See, they recommend using a figure that is very unlike yourself. This guideline doesn't work for everyone, which is why it's not a rule. I already know my figure will be a little monster. Last week at the fabric store, I bought a yard of really need electric blue 'fur' and some brown 'fur.' It would be nice to get a skin color that I could use with this fur fabric, or I could skip the fleece altogether and cover the foam in fur. Or I could hold on to the fur for a later project, so I don't have to be bound by those colors.

Right, about the colors. Purple is my favorite, so I could make it purple. But would it be light like lavender or dark like royal. But then, I also like green. And blue. But I know I don't want to use yellow or red. Oh, the choices!

Maybe I can post some pictures and take you through my learning to build process! I've got a little time before I need to dye the fleece.

Nothing Doing Today

Happy birthday, sis-in-law!

Since we couldn't go grocery shopping yesterday, that's what's on the agenda for today. And a little bit of sitting around. I'm trying to learn how to make puppets, so I'll play with that during this evening's few hours of alone time.

It's nice to get a break every now and then.

Would You Say I'm Crazy

If I told you I wanted to learn ventriloquy? For no other reason than that I think it's cool?

If you don't think it's cool, you're nuts! Have you ever seen a skilled ventriloquist perform? (If not, you're in luck, get ye a DVD.) There are no batteries and no snazzy special effects (what the heck is snazzy, anyway?). Just a puppet and a person who knows how to control their voice without their lips. Amazing!

And now back to our regularly scheduled blog.

While I trust the waters of the Patuxent River are clean enough to be on my skin and on my boat, I wouldn't eat fish from there, nor drink the water, nor do I really wish to swim in it. With that said, I will offer this little bit of advice. If you should cut yourself, even a little bit, and perhaps it bleeds and perhaps it doesn't, clean it out and cover it up right then and there. If you don't, you may forget, and if you forget, you may wake up the next morning with a swollen immobile joint and a tiny bit of infection.

Yes, I forgot about the teeny tiny little bit of a pinprick cut I got on my finger yesterday from my zipper pull. I had just put my glove on and figured it would be ok like it normally is, and if it looked too bad, I'd clean it up when I got home. I glanced at it, in that one second, it looked fine! Maybe now, I'll be more mindful of the dirty water I spend my weekends in.

Work has been pretty taxing today. One of my coworkers is out and I have to do his work, one of my coworkers is leaving at the end of the week and I have to learn her work. At least they had people doing mine in my absence (and pretty well, I might add, there were 37 jobs waiting for me today, I left it at 114). And I'm once again confident that the work will get done when I'm not here on Wednesday for a dental appointment.

With that said, I need to get back to work!