The Verdict

The price of a college education goes beyond everything they teach you there, even more than the impossibility of finding a job in your obscure field of study. It means fifteen or more years in debt up to your eyeballs and it means being unable to stand on your own merits when attempting to borrow a Great Big Wad of Cash™.

"Oh, yes, everything is perfect. Your reference checks out, your background is flawless, your credit score is unbelievably excellent, your track record with your creditors is superb. We'd be happy to give you a GBWC™, if it wasn't for those seven years you have left on that pesky student loan - when compared to the half of your state's gross median income that you take home (before taxes) every year."

And there's the non-obscure short of it: even with only seven more years to pay on my student loan, my debt to income ratio is too great, and they just can't justify giving me that GBWC™ that I need to buy my house.

That is, unless I have a co-signer.

The truth is that all is not lost. But it still feels like a blow to the gut, and I still feel like damning my damn damnable desire to be the only person in my damn family to graduate from a damn university. An accomplishment that means nothing to me now, aside from that grim reaper-like debt. Everything else is good enough, just not that.

It is a slap in the face: that my attempt to break free of my abominable dependance on my parents requires one of them pinch-hitting for me. Some would call that irony.

Mom was undaunted, "She said one of her guys said 'if you have a co-signer, you have a loan.' I don't know what my credit score is, but Daddy's is good. He'll do it." A pause, "Won't you?"

Dad raised an eyebrow, "What exactly does being a co-signer mean?"

In my understanding, "I means they can come after you if I default on my loan." A pause, "How much do you trust me not to default on my loan?"

Mom again, "Oh, you're not going to do that. You're prepared to eat hot dogs!"

I appreciate her joke, it's nothing less than what I've been saying, "No, no. Ramen noodles! Ten cents a block, baby!" Joking aside, I'm not sure mom understood why I wasn't exactly jumping for joy.

It's only because it would have been really nice to do this on my own. But, in all honesty, I'm not too proud. If the road to my independence from my parents means that dad has to hold my hand for awhile, so be it. I know I don't make a lot of money, and I know I've got Sallie Mae behind me with torches and pitch forks if I default on their loan. Needing an extra hand (with pen, ready to sign) is just one of those things. Still, I'm disappointed that otherwise stellar credentials don't count in the real world.

So, I placed a call to Monty, who can give me all the co-signing details so I can accurately explain them to dad and hopefully dissolve whatever reservations he might have. Then, I get to call the sales lady tomorrow morning and happily exclaim, "I have a co-signer! What's my rate going to be?" Dad's signature or not, the affordability of the loan really comes down to that rate. Here's hoping.

"On my planet, hope really does spring obnoxiously and stubbornly eternal."
~ Sara Susannah Katz

Makes Me Want My Game

I needed some mostly fast-paced music to background my early morning overtime today. I picked my rather vast playlist of Final Fantasy mp3's (128 tracks, actually). Most of that is fast-paced gaming music; that keeps me working at a good speed. Thankfully, I'm doing work that I don't have to really think about.

Among those 128 tracks is the complete soundtrack to Final Fantasy IV (it was released as Final Fantasy II in the US, who remembers SNES?), with songs in game order. Listening to it is almost like re-experiencing the game. I just got to the grand finale song; and I almost feel like I did when my brother and I first beat the game. We had just won an epic game that took more than a full twenty-four hour day to play (over several days, of course)! This was momentous for my brother and I and, even though this was not a two player game, it was a triumph for both of us (but especially for me, as this had the honor of being the first game that I beat before my brother did). I say it was a triumph for both of us because we gamed together. If he was playing, I was watching. If I was playing, he was watching. I suppose both of us have that unique ability to enjoy watching an entertaining game as much as playing it.

A few games later, we got our hands on a game called Secret of Mana. This was a fabulous RPG, compounded by the fact that the two of us could manipulate the three characters together. The only thing better than watching my brother play a game is playing with him. This was a game that we truly played and beat together. One day, I'll find the soundtrack to that and relive that gaming triumph via my mp3 player too.

This ability to enjoy watching my brother play (and vice versa) transferred into EverQuest too, interspersed with being able to play together while I was at college. At least, until that glorious day when we got high speed cable internet and could finally play together all the time. EverQuest isn't the kind of game you can beat, but we had momentous in-game occasions nonetheless.

Sometimes, I miss that I don't game with my brother anymore. (I don't game much anymore at all, it's even been some time since I logged into Guild Wars.) I've long been a believer of the educational power of video games. They can teach hand-eye coordination, problem solving, strategy, careful planning, improve reflexes, and, perhaps most importantly, provide valuable sibling bonding time.

Really, more than missing gaming time with my brother, I find myself just missing my brother. Neither of us makes the three hour, two hundred mile trip to see each other very often.

I Know There's Something Wrong With Me

Ah, WAM. WAM is like my best friend. She tells me everything that's going on in her life.

WAM likes to talk about her boyfriend. This was someone she's known from high school. They reconnected at their reunion last fall, and she's been telling me how he loves her and is going to move down here (from Ohio) and is going to marry her. He even made plans to visit in December, but never actually showed up because he was "testing" her. On Friday, she told me that her mother strongly objects to him.

She's never actually wanted my advice with regards to this, so I've learned to just listen. She'll take the advice of the psychic she talks to almost daily during her lunch break, though.

Anyway, WAM came up to me on Monday morning so that I could have the honor of being the first person to see her ring. It is very pretty. Knowing that bf lives in Ohio, I asked how he got it to her (did he visit over the weekend, ship it to her with some flowers, what?). Then she told me that the ring is actually her mother's ring, and she had given it to WAM to wear until her bf could actually come down and give her a real ring. The version of the story that I got didn't actually involve him at all. Apparently, WAM has thought better of circulating the truth and has taken to telling people that he had called her mother and asked directly for the ring (remember, mother doesn't like him).

As the story goes, he is supposed to come down this weekend. They don't want a ceremony and instead want to get married by a JP on Monday. Then, he will have to go back to Ohio on Tuesday for a fortnight or so, and then he'll be able to move down here, where they will find an apartment and live happily ever after.

I know WAM is annoying most times and fills my days with fantastical stories all other times, but that doesn't mean I want to watch her set herself up for stupendous disappointment, and then a messy legal entanglement. She doesn't tell me because she wants my advice. So I can only hope she knows what she's doing, and am more than capable to let her stumble all over this if it should go that way.

Now, if WAM's story is true, crazy as it may seem, then I have confirmed there is something wrong with me. If WAM; crazy, anti-reality WAM, can (while living with mother) get a boyfriend, I should have no problem. Maybe I need to rethink that whole convent thing that I was so set on when I was younger.

I Think I Like to Torture You

I Need an Overtime Song

It's a little strange; I've been working extremely slowly all day, but when overtime got here, I found some new energy. Maybe part of it has to do with WAM.

On Friday, WAM came up to me with determination to tell me there was no more overtime. In actuality, there's plenty of overtime available, I learned that earlier in the week. I just told her I was working on something different and that I hadn't heard to stop doing it. She insisted that she spoke to the supervisor of the group that she was helping out and was told they were all caught up (I knew with certainty that was not true). I repeated, I was doing work for Adolf and Boss², not this other supervisor. It must only mean that the overtime project she was working on was done. No, no. It means there is no more overtime.

I learned from Pat that what it meant was that WAM didn't get enough done to justify being paid overtime, so they told her there was no more (insert: "for you"). I've still got plenty to do!

So, I think I'm working so hard to prove that I am worthy of the extra pay, so they'll keep me on it. Makes sense, right?

And the phone just rang with dad telling me it's time to go (he had a late meeting). Outta here!

Strange How Things Come and Go

I've been drawing quite a lot lately, and I'm not just talking about the sordid little comic I've been posting when I have nothing else to say. I used to doodle all the time. I imagine very few people didn't, actually. I have kept pages of class notes because of some nifty doodle that I drew on them. I recently found a pile of those pages, along with some old sketch books, filled with smudges drawings and covered in the graphite dust of a decade and a half of age.

When those sketch books were new, Kaliis and I were making a comic. It was quite an elaborate fantasy world we thought up, with one main story and a plethora of spin-offs, filled with races of new, fantastic creatures and spins on easily recognizable ones. Truly, I haven't done any real drawing since. (It should be obvious that our comic world didn't get far past a few issues and stories. Never published, of course. And she was, by leaps and bounds, a far better artist than I.)

Sure, I have my expensive 3D design programs, and I love throwing things together on them, but few things compare with scratching a pencil across a piece of paper and seeing something wonderful emerge. I bet that's something even more special for an actual artist who has some talent. But, it's fun to do and it passes the time and I don't have to be sitting at a computer to create something, the fact that I'm any good at it is irrelevant to what it can do for the psyche.

During the course of my morning, I was hit by a realization with regards to my writing; something I had been doing but didn't know there was a word for it. This led me to want to draw it out, which I admit I have yet to do. See, I only have computer paper at my disposal, and I'd really rather hammer out this idea with one of my smoky sketch books.

I'm not a drawing artist in the slightest, but it's quite strange that I'm searching for occasion to draw at the moment.

Oh, and among the recently uncovered pages of class notes with doodles on them, I also found three out of the for Origami books that my mother had bought for my brother and I when we were children. Three of the four books that turned me into a paper folder! My room is a gold mine!

Time to Play

Fox likes to use his birthday weekends to sit around and play some board games. These are usually complex board games that require quite a bit of time for four or five people to play. It's fun to have a time to do this. Really, how often do you get a chance to sit around with some epic board game that you've never heard of?

On Saturday, there were five of us and we played a game called A Game of Thrones. I've been told it's based off a series of books. Four of us played one mini round while we waited for Fae to get off of work, which helped me get a feel for the game as everyone else has played it at least once before. It's a very complex game with lots of things going on. Some of the cards and dynamics are very confusing and required several explanations for several of us. Fox's friend won both the mini game and the big one when we were all there (and he only won because it was 0100 by then and we wanted sleep!). I didn't think too much of this game while playing, but it is actually rather fun. Once you understand what's going on.

We got a late start on Sunday, so we decided to play a somewhat shorter game called Kingmaker. I liked this game when we played it a few years ago (probably also because I won), and I do still like the game, but I just couldn't get myself in any kind of position to be much of a contender for anything. Part of it was choices I made early on, part of it was the luck of the draw. Fae won that game (which we had to call early anyway because of how early most of us have to get moving tomorrow).

One day, I'd like to bring one of my games that I picked up in London, Outrage. I've only played it a couple times so we'd all be at a mostly even start. It might be fun some time.

With that, I'm going to bed!

See Ya Tomorrow

I'm spending the weekend with Fox and Fae for his big birthday bash (or something like that). I'll tell you all about it tomorrow!

Too Beat to Blog

I'll just have to catch you all up later!

Full Snow Moon

I hope everyone had a fabulous Esbat! This is called the Snow Moon by many native tribes from the North and East. This is because the heaviest snowfalls tend to occur around this time. Tribes from regions that receive less snow call it the Hunger Moon, for the scarcity of food in the winter months.

I took two days during the three-day reign of the full moon to complete my spell work. In anticipation of closing on a new dwelling next month, I created a charm bag that will serve as an amulet for protection, peace, and a little bit of prosperity.

Sometimes, it's strange how things work out. I couldn't find the material I wanted to use to craft the bag and, from what I did have, I picked the wrong color. This bag will find a prominent place in my new dwelling, so I did not worry about natural fiber. Like the one I made for my coworker, I wanted a brown bag (the color for homes) with blue thread (a color of tranquility). I ended up picking not the brown deer suede, but the burgundy deer suede. This was simply due to the dim lights in the room. I also managed to not get blue thread, but a light gray thread, also probably from the lighting. Halfway through my sewing, I realized the colors I was working with and, right away, I also realize how perfect they were. The siding on my new home is gray, and the shutters are a shade of burgundy. Completely by accident, I chose material that was even more perfect than what I had intended. I used a brown hemp cord for the drawstring and a heavy brown glass bead to keep it tight. I began sewing just as the eclipse was starting on the 20th.

When my bag was complete, I added my stones. There is: a snowflake obsidian for peace and protection; a yellow tiger eye for protection, prosperity, and a little bit of courage (the courage is needed because so much of this change in living arrangements is something very new for me); an amethyst point for peace and calming fears; a carnelian for protection and calm; a green aventurine for prosperity; a citrine for calming fears and promoting peaceful sleep; a hematite to keep me grounded; a clear quartz to keep all the energies clean and strong; and one special stone that I knew I wanted to add before I knew why, a lovely piece of sodalite that's good for inner peace.

After the stones, I added the herbs: red rose petals for protection and to fill my home with love; rosemary for protection, purification, and peaceful sleep; sage for protection and cleansing; and a very special pinch of nepeta. The last herb, while good for it's calming energies, is also known as catnip, and I added it to try to encourage some calm and peace between my two cats.

I also had some special things to add to this bag for my new home. The first was ash from my Yule log to bring the happiness from my previous home to my new one. I then added the candle stubs from the success and prosperity spell I had finished with the previous esbat. After all, that entire working was with this new change in abode in mind. Like my coworker's bag, I added a pinch of ash from the anti-fire charm that my brother and I crafted years ago. The last piece was something I had never before had occasion to use. Several years ago, a friend of mine sent me some small branches from her tree outside. This tree was some kind of pine on the side of her driveway that had been struck by lightening some years before. The strike left half of the tree dead, and the other half still thriving as if nothing happened. She had respectfully taken some branches from the dead side; wood that has been struck by lightening is very magickal. For one thing, it serves as a protection from lightening. I added a few bits of this wood to my bag for its protective qualities.

The bag was completed and filled as the moon entered totality. I hung it from my bedroom window, where the shrouded light of the eclipsed moon cleansed it and its contents from any energies they might have picked up (and everything picks up energies). I then placed the bag in an altar box, safe and clean, to wait for the following night.

Last night, with the moon still considered full, I performed the actual working. Casting my circle and calling the quarters, I asked the Lord and Lady to bless my dwelling (wherever it may be) and I dedicated my charm to protecting it. At the conclusion, I hung it back in the window to charge with the light of the full, un-eclipsed moon. This morning, I removed the charm and put it back in the altar box where it will stay until I move next month. And I already have a plan for my first Esbat in my new home.