Swinging

Now, here's an odd situation to be in. I've been thinking about what I want to write today, and I can't settle on anything. Not the wintry weather we're supposed to get this evening and tomorrow, not the cool things I found on eBay last night that are just a little out of my budget right now, not even how utterly bored I am at work today and I can't seem to stay focused on my job.

I was talking with a coworker this morning, and thought about something to write, but then I realized that what I would be writing in relation to that conversation is on the down side of happy feelings, and I'm just not feeling that today. I'm as bright and sunny as it is outside! (I think this is the calm before the incoming winter storm!)

Anyway, my conversation did bring up some interesting points. And though I'm at an emotional high point right now, I want to mention some of them. If you, gentle readers, ever where or ever knew or currently know someone who was clinically depressed, this might help you to keep in mind.

If someone doesn't seem completely ecstatic or even just a little happy about a gift you've given them or want to give them, it's not because they don't want it, or don't like it, or don't like you. It's probably because they feel unworthy of your gift. Unhappy people, and genuinely ill people, tend to feel a lot of worthlessness. This is one of those cases where "it's not you, it's me" is actually true. It's hard to recover from feeling worthless, even on the good days. But if this has ever happened to you, you can be assured (and so can my coworker who is not reading this) that they probably realized how their reaction came across, came to regret it, and can't think of a way to approach you so you know what was really going on when it happened. The only thing I can advise is to press on anyway and not take it personally.

If you happen to know one of these people who do start telling you about their perception of their own worth, I think you'll also find that no amount of convincing from you is going to change their mind, but it's worth it to try. I think a lot of it is seeking. The person is searching for validation; they want to tell you that they are worthless because they need to hear you say it isn't so. The problem is that usually isn't enough, so it really backfires. And I'm still trying to figure out why it isn't enough, so I can't offer you, or my coworker, any insight in that regard.

My coworker was planning something rather nice for his fiancé for V-day, but told me she didn't seem very happy with his plans. They sounded nice to me (and I loath V-day)! So I got it out of him that she hasn't been in the best of spirits lately and we figured this is probably what is happening. I told him he could try to press on, because she might find herself on an upswing and realize what a good idea he actually had.

The mind is quite an odd place to be, sometimes. It can cause us to hurt the people we care about even though we're not trying to do that. What's really happening is that we can't understand why they bother. And I think what we forget is that it's not your place to say who cares about you. You decide who is worth something to you, and they decide for them. That may not always be mutual, but that's also not what's important.

A Crazy Thought

I currently have two weekly planners for this year. They both have their uses. Here I am with a list of things to do today, and no planner to write them in so I won't forget. How crazy is that?!

Let's see...I know I need to balance my checkbook. I've got a couple eBay feedbacks I need to leave.... What else.... I had a whole list of things I wanted to do after I wasn't busy preparing for my audition, and I can only remember these!

Well, if they were important, they'd come back to me, right?

I Almost Forgot

If you check out my little information bar, --->
and scroll down towards the bottom,
you'll find a nifty little screen with a handful of things that I like, so you might want one of your very own. Give it a click, give it a buy, I'll make a tiny bit of moolah (trust me, it's tiny), and we'll have something else in common!

I'll add more things as I get the time. This small selection will do for now.

The Old College Try

That's what they say.

I went, I spouted out my piece (the parts of it that didn't cower in fear in the black corners of my memory), chatted with the auditors, spouted out my piece again at their request (this time even more of it had retreated, never to be heard from again), said thank you, and went to the store so I could spend the rest of the morning watching Naggy and Vox hunting.

It was glee! I cleaned out the cricket keeper and put the new guys in. Then I dropped a few into the tank with the dragons, and off they went! Filled with new life, the thrill of the hunt, and the yummy cricket-treat for their victories! I just love those guys.

I'm not expecting to get a call back. I know I could do better. It's a shame that so much rides on the audition, because that's not an accurate reflection of how I actually work. But, I'd regret it forever if I didn't even try. For that alone, it was success. Not as successful as my anoles hunting, but success nonetheless. And who knows, they could call me back anyway. I'm not holding my breath, though. I'm sure they saw many more people who would work out better than me. And I came away with something I've learned, so all is not lost.

Keep Your Wits

Today began the first period of Mercury retrograde for this year.

The other planets of our solar system move around the sun like Earth does (we should all know this!). There are times when the planets appear to be moving in the opposite direction. This occurs when they are on the other side of the sun than we are; it's all about perspective, they're not actually moving backwards, it just looks like it from our point of view on Earth. Every planet has a period of retrograde, Mercury has several during the course of our calendar because that year is a lot shorter than ours. Mercury's retrograde also seems to affect us more than any other planet. Perhaps it is its nearness to us and its nearness to the sun (relatively speaking), or the fact that it happens so often during our year.

Whatever the reason, most people believe this three-week period of time has a direct effect on us. Mercury governs aspects of the mind, communication, business, travel. This is a good time for meditation and mental exploration of your inner self. The other areas seem to be stalled or halted during this time, so they say it's not a good time to sign a contract or start a new business venture. People tend to find it more difficult to communicate what they wish, or find information they are looking for.

With all that in mind, don't be afraid of this time. For one, you can use it for that self reflection that many of us don't seem to do very often, or to pick up a project you had started but never got around to finishing. While it is advised to not start new things, sometimes you have to. Add a little determination to your purpose and don't let the motion of the planets stop you.

Practice Practice and More Practice

I worked on memorization all day yesterday. This is the hardest part, really. I recorded it on my mp3 player and played it back over and over, I typed it out, read it, spoke it, whatever works to commit a two and a quarter minute speech to memory. My goal was to go to bed having my monologue memorized. I went over it in my head while brushing my teeth and...didn't quite have it down. But, I had to go to bed.

This morning, before actually getting out of bed, I went over my monologue in my mind, so I could identify the parts that needed more memorization work. Success! I'm not sure how I did it, but I did it. Through the course of the day, I've taken small pauses in work to type it out (to be sure I know it) and work on how it will be presented (this is in tone of voice, and in emotion behind the words). Everything is going to be fine.

I said so!

This evening is when nervousness will set in. And intense hoping that I've given myself enough time to get there in morning rush hour....

Method Acting

There are several ways of acting, but most seem to agree that an actor should not be outside the action of the character they portray. That’s the basis of method acting, pioneered by Constanin Stanislavski. Stanislavski method, the one most commonly taught in academia, relies on the actor drawing emotion from relevant life experience to find the emotion of their character. The flaw with this method is that it doesn’t offer insight if the actor hasn’t had a relevant experience upon which to draw.

This is part of the problem I found in college. Stanislavski method was the method that all of my teachers taught, and not one of them encouraged finding another method if Stanislavski’s didn’t quite work for us. I think his method is really against the principal of acting. Acting is a pretend, but if you’re drawing from your actual experience, you’re not pretending, you’re remembering. This "outside the box" thinking is the main reason why I was never cast in any of the shows through college. They didn’t like people whos thought processes contradicted what they were intent on teaching. Isn’t that how it usually goes?

So, I went elsewhere, to the local community college, where I found a class on Mikhail Chekhov method acting. The nephew of playwright Anton Chekhov, he was a student of Stanislavski and, I feel, found some of the same errors with his method that I did.

Chekhov developed a method of acting that was largely dependant on visualization and empathy. In contrast to Stanislavski’s turning of one’s own life experience to the character’s experience, Chekhov’s method involved identifying with the character and by that way feeling what they feel. It is more like becoming the character, rather than turning the character into parts of you.

I embraced this method. It was right up my ally, it used the strengths and skills I already possessed, and presented a much more fun way of exploring character. Is it not more entertaining to explore the lives of others than it is to delve deep into yourself to relate to someone? Isn’t that what you, dear blog readers, are doing right now? See how wonderful this is! I think it’s closer to human nature this way. The visualization techniques allowed me, the actor, to meet my character and chat with her, and really find out what was going on in her virtual head.

My last bit of work in college was for a character and scene study class. With a wonderful scene partner, I did an emotionally complex piece from Sam Shepard’s A Lie of the Mind. I had no life experience with which to relate to my character, so I worked on my own in the way that worked better for me. After the final presentation of our scene, a couple friends came up to me and told me they were crying. That is an accomplishment to me. The teacher of the class told me he was worried about how our scene was going to turn out and was very pleased at how well it did. I aced the class.

It’s a little odd. In preparing for my job interview-audition, I found that my preferred method of acting isn’t going to be as helpful as the method I didn’t embrace. Perhaps that’s a sign of a well-rounded actor, who can draw from within and without as necessary. Part of this conundrum is what makes me feel the monologue I’ve chosen is so right. Don’t worry, I’ll be able to tell you all about it when I’m done.

All Over the Place, But for Skin

From a film (do you know it?), "I feel as if my skin is the only thing keeping me from going everywhere all at once." Yeah, that's what skin does....

The hunt began. I had to find my headshots, which I did, I just needed to get an 8x10 printed. I had to find a song, I had a few in mind, but needed to confirm the length, as I was given not more than sixteen bars to sing in. I worked out a short dialogue between me and a puppet if I should get asked to do one. I had to find a monologue...oooooo...that's the trouble spot.

Monologues are crazy things. One short speech is somehow supposed to sum up completely what an actor can do when there is no director to direct her. This seems impossible, and it really is, yet everyone requires one. I had a few in mind that I had used previously. But I couldn't find a single monologue book or copy of the play that contained one of those ideas.

Monty and I got together last night for a movie. We missed One Missed Call (rats) and I'm not confident that I can stomach watching Cloverfield (you should have seen me sitting through the Blair Witch Project...ugh....), so we settled on National Treasure 2. It's not really our preferred genre, and I had already seen it, but it was a fine way to pass the time.

Before Monty showed up, I spent a few hours in the bookstore, combing through endless monologues with the complete plays for the ones I liked no where in sight. (I think, and many directors and teachers will agree, that it is unwise to present a monologue if you haven't read the entire play. How do you know where your chosen character is coming from if you don't read what happened before your speech?) I bought a monologue book that offered a bit of information about auditions, I admit it's been a long time since I've had one, and a little bit further information for the monologues the author included. Still leaning towards a monologue I could prepare from Sam Shepard's A Lie of the Mind, I went to bed last night essentially monologue-less. I don't remember that scene well enough to construct my speech from memory.

This morning and the rest of the day was busy. One of my Christmas presents from my mother was a yoga class at a somewhat local garden center (it's not as crazy as it sounds). The first of three was today. In the morning, we planned to get my headshot printed, pick up a copy of A Lie of the Mind at a bookstore because mine has gone AWOL, check out some sheet music while there, stop by Trader Joe's, and then hit up our yoga class.

As expected, the printing of the headshot took the longest, an hour and a half or so. While we were waiting, we hit the book store. I found an intriguing play adaptation of His Dark Materials, and many things by Sam Shepard. Just not the play I needed. I also verified one verse of my chosen song is exactly the maximum sixteen bars. There was another book store we could try, either before or after the class. Fast forward to the class, because picking up the picture from the camera center and shopping at TJ's happened without a problem.

Our teacher was really awesome. We had a nice little enclosed area that was lined with trees for sale. Very peaceful. Unfortunately, after an hour of working (in a nearly two hour class), it got amazingly cold in the greenhouse space we were using. Afterwards, we learned that they "forgot" to turn on the heat. Yikes! Next week, they assured us they would remember. And if they don't, one of us will go and find someone!

We went to the other bookstore after that and, you can probably guess, my play wasn't there either. By now, I was very frustrated, so convinced was I that this was the right monologue, I just couldn't find anything that had it. And my copy from college was just not turning up (though, I did find my copy of Mozart's Requiem from my first year. You'd think a play from my last should be easy to locate). I resolved to just using something from the new monologue book, and do the best I can. Ah, I found one from a play that I had seen mentioned in the plethora of other monologue books I'd looked at over the past two days. As I read over the scene, the monologue, and the author's little bits about it, I thought of one of the play books I could find. An anthology that was used as course text for one of my classes which I did manage to locate in my search for Shepard's play. What if this play is in there? You know what's coming, don't you, fair readers? Lo! and behold! It was in there! Yahoo! I found a monologue that looks decent, and I have a copy of the play so I can really know my speech.

This piece will challenge me, but I think it will work out even better than the original one I was planning to do. The short play had me crying at the end of it. I think that makes it a perfect choice. Sure, I've got a lot to do between now and Tuesday (fine tune the monologue, and work out the bit with my puppet), but confidence is right here.

I do feel like I'd be all over the place if it wasn't for my skin holding me together. All of that happened in twenty-four hours!

That Was a Surprise

Someone at my office reads my blog! I think there's more than one someone actually. See, on Monday, someone from OBC accessed my blog through a Google search. I know it wasn't me, because I wasn't here! I got an e-mail from a co-worker yesterday who had found some things about Kaliis (thanks for that, buy the way. The only thing I have against public records and such people searches is that it costs money with no guarantee that I'm going to get what I'm looking for when I pay up). I have reason to believe that she's back in Maryland now. Something I found last night paired her name with a zip code in Clinton in November. I can always wait for the next census....

I'm always happy to have readers, but it sure makes me extra happy that I don't use real names! Not that I sit here typing out company secrets or anything like that.

While I'm at it, my co-worker friend Pat has another co-worker friend. He's really really annoyed because his friend has cancelled plans because "someone" said that he was saying bad things about his friend. If I got wind of a friend saying bad things about me, I'd have to confront them and give them a change to explain. I may learn that my friend didn't say these things at all, right? And, don't I owe it to my friend to give him that benefit of the doubt? Pat came to me this morning quite upset because it hasn't stopped. Other than saying good riddance to the friend who is not giving him a chance to rebut those claims (which he's on the verge of doing anyway), I have no advice for him.

Why do people do this? I don't understand it. Why act like a child who belongs in day care when you can approach something like intelligently? If someone said Pat was saying things about me, well, I wouldn't believe them. Because I trust my friend, that's part of what being a friend is all about. Poor Pat. He works hard, he doesn't deserve this stress or this blindsided attack on his character.

In other news, the tweaking of the resume is done, and I located a decent enough picture for a headshot. I just need to bring it by a place and have it printed in 8x10. No luck finding my monologue book, or the performance song book. Looks like this weekend will see a trip to a couple stores. I hate last minute preparations! Oh! And I have to write a little something for my practice puppet, just in case they ask me to demonstrate that (whatever works to get me ahead, right?).

And I don't think I updated you on the house front. I called the sales lady on Wednesday, just to see how things were going and to make sure she hasn't forgotten my interest. She said there was a delay because the new countertops had been measured wrong, so they had to redo that. They had arrived on Tuesday and would be installed this week. The carpet and vinyl had been ordered and should arrive next week. She said to give it another week or two and to call her if I don't hear from her by then. I'm ok with how long this it taking, because it gives me more time to save up (and more time for OBC stocks to get themselves rising so I can sell them!).

It just occurred to me that if Kaliis is living in Clinton now, and she hasn't looked me up, I am going to beat her senseless when I find her....

Look, all this and I haven't even had my coffee yet!

I Want to Say Slow Down!

But I know I really don't want that.

Yesterday, the time came to fix my ring. This ring was given to me by Kaliis (I talked about her over here) in 1993. She made it for me out of a safety pin and glass beads. I've worn it every day since with the exception of about five (yes, I know the number; two days because I left it at work one weekend, and two or three days when I was sick and didn't put it on. I've put it on for at least a few minutes every day since). A few years ago, I put my ring on and discovered that a bead had broken off. Sometime later, another bead had broken off. Just a couple weeks ago, I was attempting to fix the wire and broke off a third bead. It became time to repair my ring.

I bought some sterling silver wire and found suitable beads to replace the three that were broken and keep as close to the original pattern as I possibly could. I was tempted to switch out a few other beads, but then I realized that would make it no longer the ring Kaliis made for me, but the ring I altered. And since Kaliis has disappeared, the ring that she made for me that I wear virtually everyday is even more special. It also provides a sense of comfort and strength. What a nifty object, huh?

I held my breath through this repairing process. I was extra careful to not lose any of the beads from the original ring, and to keep the pattern in place. The replacement beads are not exact matches, but they are close enough.

I did successfully repair my ring, and none too soon, I think, for the wire it was originally on was starting to weaken. The slightest bend broke some parts clean off. Whew! I showed the finished bit to my mother, who said exactly what I was thinking, "It looks brand new!" I think that's the work of the new sterling wire. It has a brighter finish than the previous wire, and that really shines through the clear and translucent beads. Now, I just have to hope I wrapped it well enough to withstand another fifteen years of wear.

Fifteen years! Amazing! I wonder what Kaliis would say if she knew I've been wearing that thing every day for fifteen years. I wish I knew where she was so I could tell her how much her friendship meant to me.

I mentioned on the 16th that I had applied for a job. There was a message on the answering machine when I got home that they want me to come in for an interview audition. First step: get the day off of work. Check! Go me!

I called the gent back and got an appointment at 0820. GAH! Now I have a mere six days to find a headshot (which I've thoroughly lost), prepare a monologue, prepare a song, tweak my resume, and find the building. GAH!!

Of course, if they hire me, that means new job. And a job that puts my very expensive Bachelor of Arts degree to use. Wish me broken limbs!

Now, there's something funny about all this. I take off my rings when I need to go to the restroom, they last longer when they don't get washed, right? This is what caused me to leave my rings at work for the weekend four-some years ago, so, I started taking them off and leaving them at my desk, nice and safe. I decided to call this recruiter back from my dad's desk, not in earshot of Adolf, and a bit more secluded that would help me calm down the nervousness I felt. I had not yet put my rings back on. When I got back to my desk, I found I did have a ring on, one of three. Who wants to guess which one it was? I guess something in my mind knew I was going to need it while I returned that call.

It does feel like things in my life are moving very fast right now. But I don't need it to slow down, because I think it's going exactly the direction I want it to go.