We Should Talk

Since the suicide of Robin Williams, I've noticed a lot of people are talking about depression. Good. We should talk about it. It's one of the most common mental disorders in the United States, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, and still it is so hard for people who suffer from it to get the help they need.

It's a complicated disorder that is hard to treat. Not everyone responds to therapy, not everyone responds to medication. Every brain is different.  Part of that is because we don't fully understand what causes it. Another part of it is because the word depression is used far too liberally. Not incorrectly, I might add, but the fact that the word has a definition in common use (i.e. to feel depressed is to feel sad) has done a disservice to those who suffer from the disease that is depression. They are not the same thing. This bears repeating: feeling "depressed" and suffering from clinical depression are two different and entirely unrelated things. One is a feeling - the opposite of feeling elated - and one is a very serious mental disorder that goes so far beyond what one simply 'feels.' They are not related. It's unfortunate that they use the same word.

My friend Enid wrote on the subject again and she said something that I've found largely and disappointingly to be true, "But you know what's really fucking hard? Explaining depression to a loved one who doesn't understand it." We talked about this and agreed that it's awesome that someone does not know what depression is, but that makes it so hard to try to talk about what we're going through to someone who just doesn't get it. Maybe they can't separate the two uses of the word in their mind, which is usually what's going on when we're told to just get over it. It's painfully frustrating. You can just get over a feeling, but when something in your brain isn't working right, you can't just wish that away.

I came across this lovely and fun video (ignoring the irrelevant plug at the end) that talks a little about what is happening in the brain of a person with clinical depression. "It is important to remember that depression is a disease with a biological basis." Not a feeling. A biological disease.

Unfortunately, the more articles I see about depression and how something really must be done about treating it, the more people who can't separate the feeling from the medical condition come out too. It's not just my loved ones or Enid's loved ones but so many people in the world too. This means we have to fight so very hard to get by in a world that barely recognizes what is going on in our brains. But let's keep the conversations going. Maybe some day the people who have made up their minds about what depression is will learn something. Maybe then, more people will realize that those of us who suffer need more help.

It's like being trapped inside your own mind - as so many mental disorders are. That mind, your jailer, tells you you're worthless, you're loathsome, you don't deserve to be happy, no one cares for you and no one should, you're a waste of space and in everyone's way, and if you died the people around you would be better for it. It's all lies, we've talked about this before, but it's so loud it drowns out everything else. When that's the only voice you hear, you don't see them as the lies they are. You see them as the only truths you know. And that last one is the most dangerous thing your mind can ever tell you.

You can think of it like being in an abusive relationship. Your mind is your abuser, and it sets out to separate you from everyone else. Of course, if you've never been abused by someone you should be able to trust, it's hard to understand what they're going through too. I used to be one of them; one of those people who would say "just leave." 'Just leave' is like 'just get over it,' you can't and why you can't is complicated and hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it.  But that's another topic altogether.

We need to keep talking about this. We need more people to understand what is really going on, and more people to understand that you don't have to have a trigger event to suffer from it, and more people to realize how someone's mind can be their own enemy. I wish people didn't have to understand it, that there was no need for any of this at all, but it is not so.

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I had a bad day yesterday, entirely of my doing.

A few years ago, long before I ever needed one, I was given a wedding dress. A friend of mine had purchased the dress with intent to sell it on eBay but, while it was in her closet, her cat decided it was a good place for claws, so there are some tiny punctures in the outer tulle of the skirt. She decided she couldn't sell it like that so she wanted to give it to someone who could use it. Long story short, it ended up in my lap. And it fit me perfectly. I was planning on altering it into some cool bustle thing, but it hung on my dress form for a year and then ended up in a bag in my closet. And then I was engaged! Yay! And I already had a dress!

Except, after I was laid off in May of 2013, I put on a lot of stress weight. A lot. I was heavier than I had ever been in my life by the end of that year, and the dress that I suddenly had a use for no longer fit. I started working to lose all that extra weight at the beginning of the year. I lost 13 lbs by March and put 4 of them back on. I've been yo-yoing around that weight ever since. Sure, things get in the way like Renaissance Festivals and vacations, but I'm doing my best: exercising at least 3 days a week where I can, adjusting my food.

My best is getting me no where. In fact, it's the opposite of what I want. The scale keeps going up, my clothes fit tighter and tighter. And the dress is no where nearer fitting like it used to. Yesterday morning, the scale went up again, and I have never hated my body so much. Why is it betraying me? I'm working out, daily now, with weights and cardio. I'm eating less calories and more protein. What more do I have to do? Do I need to spend every waking moment exercising? Shall I drop to 600 calories a day so my body will starve into the size I need? And I hated myself for hating myself so much.

I know that none of that is the answer. Having a fresh look at things today, I think the main problem is the goal. The last time I had a lot of weight to lose, some 11 years ago when I took my very first desk job, my only goal was to stay healthy. And I did it and in three months, I was in a good place, and in three more months I was in the best shape of my life. It was never about my shape, it was always about taking care of myself. That's not the goal right now, taking care of myself. The goal is to fit into the dress, because with less than four months to go, having a dress that doesn't fit is the same as having no dress at all.

I have a solution for the dress. I dreamed about it, actually, and I know it will work. I can cover the back zipper and add some loops so I can lace it up like a corset. That will take care of the sizing issues. But, even with this plan in mind, I'm still focusing on fitting into the dress. It's time to take action, to make those alterations a reality and complete them. That will remove the unhelpful goal and put the focus back where it needs to be, on being healthy.

I haven't quite forgiven my body for betraying me, but it's a process. I know what I need to do. The good news, though, even as terrible as I felt about it all yesterday, I still got up at 6 am and did some exercising this morning. I didn't hate my lack of progress so much that I gave up. One step at a time. Take away the deadline and focus on what I should have been focusing on all along.

The Four Strand Braid Tutorial

Sometimes, I braid the ends of my veils in this awesome 4-strand thing and a lot of my veiling friends ask me how I do the braid. Here's a crazy little video of how!

Busy Not Boring

It's been almost three months since we bought our home. We bought some furniture and lawn and garden stuffs and a basketball so the hoop in the front might get some use. Things are coming together, but it feels like there are still boxes everywhere. The craft room is my project for the week, as well as preparing for our house party on Saturday.

We're also in the midst of wedding planning. We'll have a venue soon, and then we can actually get some invitations out and get to work on centerpieces and favors and things.

In truth, the last three months seem kind of blurry. After moving and getting started in the herculean task of unpacking, we went to a wedding in beautiful Dominican Republic and I worked a record-breaking season at the Virginia Renaissance Faire. It feels like something was happening every weekend, which is the literal truth. I don't think we'll have a quite Saturday at home until the end of July.

But it's all good. A busy life is better than a boring life. We love our home. Everything is, however slowly, coming together.

HOUSE!

We bought a house! No, we bought a home. Come and visit us soon! (But not too soon, give us time to unpack!)

Welcome home!

Let Me Tell You A Story About Hestia

When I first started on this path more than 20 years ago, I came across a lot of 'educators' and 'teachers:'  good folk who wanted to help new pagans find their way. Unfortunately, the most vocal of teachers tended to teach McWitchcraft - the kind of magic that you get from a book with a glossy bright cover and probably published by Llewellyn. That's not to say that everything published by Llewellyn is of the "fluffy bunny" variety (I dislike that term, but I have to admit it applies here), but quite a lot is and weeding through to find what isn't is near impossible when you're just starting. I had a mentor to help me through the fluff, at least, but that's not what this story is about.

One of those 'educators' tried to mentor me. She told me everything on this path was chosen - either by me or agreed upon by my coven. I've never been much for practicing religion or expressing faith with a group (with some exceptions), so that essentially meant I chose it all. That's great that my faith is in my hands, but then where is the divine? Where is the Lord and Lady in all of this? Don't they care about any of it? Maybe they do, maybe they don't. But I just couldn't wrap my head around a faith that had no guidance from deity. That wasn't what I believed, that wasn't what my heart knew to be true, that wasn't faith.

I chose it all, she said. I chose my "craft name," I chose my patron god and goddess, I chose my totem animals and my spirit guides. These are things that I just felt came from the divine- they have no meaning, no truth, if I just pick from a list because it sounds cool. My real mentor disagreed with her also. She told me those things are given and when they are given, you will know it. That is true to what I felt.

So I learned and I practiced and I didn't pick anything from a list. It took time, it took years, but those things did eventually get revealed to me. The story of that and what it means in my faith and to my path isn't why I'm here either.

In time, I had a patron, Artemis. She was a guide, a companion, a teacher, a beacon. She was what I needed when she came to me and I learned so so much from her mysteries. It was a wonderful feeling, like I would never be alone.

And then she left. Oh, it was some years later, I don't even remember how many. She had been there for years and then she just wasn't there. For a time, I felt abandoned. It was an unusual place to find myself; no guide, no companion, no beacon. But meditation and reflection and communion with the divine led me to understand that she taught me everything she could and it was time to move on. I was without a patron for about four years.

I kept myself open during that time. Another goddess might present herself and if you're not ready to receive, you could miss it entirely. I had long been drawn to hearth goddesses, especially once I owned my own hearth. I paid particular attention to Brigid. Even though I've never locked myself into one pantheon, my patron god was Tuatha Dé Danann so it made sense to search there. But my previous patron goddess was an Olympian, I only casually searched there for another. I resisted it, actually.

I've spoken plenty of my calling to veil. It got stronger the more I didn't do it. It got stronger when I learned all I could from my patron, and stronger still when I started keeping my own hearth. I've long had an affinity for Brigid, but she is not a veiled goddess. I started to feel that maybe she wasn't it, maybe her mysteries were not what I needed. Hestia presented herself. I had never worked with her. I spent time with Artemis, the rest just didn't speak to me. And yet, here she was, trying to show me something - something that I needed to see that I wasn't exploring.

I'm having a hard time putting this feeling and experience to words. It's like when someone calls on the phone but you're so distracted by something in front of you, you barely hear them. But they keep calling and you are still distracted. I was up to my eyeballs in veiling tradition research around this time. And then I found a reference- Hestia was veiled, and her cult was veiled, and the female head of the household was responsible for honoring her mysteries in the home. I already knew that, Classical Mythology has always been a strong subject for me, but I- I don't want to say forgot- I didn't pay attention.

I've told this part of the story before. Everyone was hunkering down for a big storm. My home had taken some damage in the last storm and I was worried. I thought of the hearth goddesses who had my focus of late, and I asked Hestia for help. That was an uncharacteristic move for me, I was still searching, I normally would have just asked the Lady and given her no name. But that's not what happened. On that day, I needed an aspect, I needed something specific, so I asked for Hestia and she answered. Considering my earlier analogy, that's rather amusing to me.

Hestia had been trying to reach me for a while, and when I accepted that, so much of my life fell into place. I was able to focus on what I needed to focus on. I've learned so much about myself, about the path I'm on, and the direction my life is leading. It's funny, because as much as I say I was open and searching and mindful, I still resisted when I heard her call. When I answered, I knew I found the beacon I needed.

Homeowner, The Sequel

My betrothed and I have been looking at houses for a couple weeks, both agreeing that we would have to just stop looking and pick one at some point. We saw a dozen houses or so over that time; some had potential and some were nothing like what we wanted at all. We went out again on Monday with one more house to see. It had everything on our must have list, a few things on our want list, and nothing on our dealbreaker list. We thought about it, talked about our options, compared it to some of the other houses that could work, and decided to make an offer.

As I was driving to that meeting on Tuesday, I thought it was time to get my witch on. I could do some spellwork when I got home and maybe I'll ask the gods for a little contract help. Then I started thinking of who might help with buying a house. A hearth goddess, of course. It surprised me that I didn't think of that right away.

Asking for help from a deity involves invocation. Just as I was starting, I felt the weight of my scarves on my head just a little bit more and a whisper into my ear "I'm already here." Yes, of course. How could I forget?

So, I prayed to my goddess and asked for her help in securing the home that is best for us. It may not be this one that we loved, and I will accept if Hestia points us another way, but I think it is. It felt like home the moment I walked in. So we made an offer.

Nothing is official until all parties have signed off on it, but the Realtor says it's looking good.

Here's hoping!

Another Wrapunzel Giveaway!

Wrapunzel is having a Spring Giveaway! They wanted us to talk about gratitude. Today, I'm grateful for my fiance, who is the most wonderful man alive. He accepts me for who I am, he is kind and gentle and encouraging. I love every moment of my life with him.

http://wrapunzel.com/events/current-giveaway/

Modest, Plain, Ugly, Oppressed

I want to talk about this because I've seen it so much. I'm probably going to go all over the place, but let me get this out anyway. I'll watch a video on a lovely new way to wrap my scarves, or a blog post of someone explaining why they cover and, somewhere in the comments, there is almost always someone who does not want to understand. Somewhere, there is someone who feels the need to express their ignorance.

The first is one I often see in response to ladies who say they cover for modesty. These ladies, every one of them, look beautiful in their coverings and usually their coverings are beautiful garments on their own. The comment is often one of confusion, someone who did not realize that modest does not have to be plain. Plain, in my understanding, is neutral colors, no adornments, simple shapes and lines. Plain is not fancy and not decorative, it is muted and simple and practical. Modest does not have to be those things. Modest can be bright, it can be decorated, patterned, flattering. Modest can be decorous while still being pretty, while still allowing one to express one's self. Separate those two in your mind right now. Plain is modest, but modest does not have to be plain. Pretty and beautiful are not the opposite of modest.

There is more at work in dressing in a modest fashion than just covering up your skin and hair. You can dress modestly and not cover you hair. You can dress modestly and wear pants. You can dress modestly and still have lovely jewelry. Modesty is personal. It's owning your body. It's recognizing that you are a sacred being and holding that being sacred. It is being comfortable in how you dress, in how you move, in what you do. That, in and of itself, is beautiful. When you do that, when you own your self, everyone around you can see that beauty. And that's where the ignorant comments come in. If someone thinks a lady dressing modestly is beautiful, then that lady must be doing something wrong, something not modest, to make someone think that. Those people are looking at the wrong thing. It's not about the outward appearance at all. A woman who feels confident, secure, and happy looks beautiful. That is her spirit, her self that you are seeing, that you are recognizing as beautiful.

Similarly, plain does not have to be ugly. Plain is also beautiful. Have you ever seen someone in a black abaya and a white hijab? Is that not plain? Is that not also beautiful? I've spent a good deal of time in Amish and Mennonite markets. Ladies in simple dresses, some are colored in pastels or patterned in delicate flowers depending on the community, with hair twisted up and a prayer cap pinned on top. They are happy, confident, in control of their bodies. They are beautiful. Separate that in your mind too. Plain does not mean it must be ugly.

Now, there is a sort of catch 22, and that also seems to be where some of these comments I see come from. Part of being modest or plain is not drawing attention to yourself. In this modern world we live in, anything different draws attention. That is just the reality of this age. Modest dress gets attention because it is different. It is not what everyone else is doing, so people notice it. That does not mean that the person dressing modestly is doing something wrong. That means you are perceiving them through your own standards, through the standards that society says you should have. It's not your fault, don't feel bad. Just stop judging those who are different, ok?

The last bit...that's always the tough one. I see it all the time, most often in response to a Jewish woman who says she covers her hair for her husband or to a Muslim woman who says she covers because her faith tells her to. "For your husband" carries with it the incorrect belief that she does it because her husband told her to, and that is oppression. Yes, that is. If your spouse says he wants you to dress a certain way and there are consequences if you don't, that is oppression. If your spouse asks you to dress a certain way without consequences and you want to do it to please him, that is not oppression. In the same way that your spouse asking you to make him a sandwich and you do it because you want him to eat and you know full well he would get up and do it on his own if you didn't is not oppression. If your religion advises you to dress a certain way for the benefit of your spouse and you love your religion and you think it's a beautiful gesture for your spouse, that is not oppression. So many people seem to not understand this. When you do something because you want to do it, because it means something to you, it is not oppression. It is taking an idea, a recommendation, an ancient law even, and deciding to embrace it and to make it your own and deciding it is relevant in your life. That's not oppression, that's making a decision.

I was watching this video. At about a minute and thirty, they discuss why they cover. She said "look at us. Do we look oppressed?" Of course not! They look beautiful and happy and so in touch with why they do it. I saw a comment (on a different video) where someone was going on and on about how sad she was for the lovely lady who was only explaining why she veiled, how it was a beautiful thing she did for her husband. The commentator said something along the lines of 'if it's not oppression, the men would do it too.' In some cultures, the men DO do it too! Jewish men might wear a kippah, the Qur'an has instructions for both men and women to dress modestly, Amish and Mennonite men may have dress restrictions, the requirement of Sikh men to wear a turban is the biggest example of this. It's not all on the women. Once again, people need to stop judging a culture from their own standards.

I do not wear a veil for my husband, as I have none just yet. My betrothed has made no demands on my appearance whatsoever one way or the other. He has never asked me to veil, and he has never asked me not to. He compliments me when I look nice, but he pretty much says that every day. I couldn't tell you if it's because he likes the veil I'm wearing that day or if it's just that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful (I know the latter is true, I do not know if the former ever is true). There are no specific tenets of my faith that recommend dressing modestly or wearing a veil, though the reasons I do it are faith-based. My decisions with regard to my wardrobe are entirely up to me. That can't possibly be oppression.

I just used a whole bunch of words to say one simple thing that I wish more people would learn: Modest and plain dress does not have to be ugly and are almost always not oppression.

Why I Love It

In the interest of entering this giveaway from Wrapunzel.com, my absolute favorite place to buy scarves and tichels, I want to elaborate on what I said on my Facebook entry just a bit.

wrapunzel.com/events/current-giveaway/

Picking out my veil for the day is a deliberate act. Sure, I consider what matches, how I might tie it that particular day, what I need to accent it and give it that personal touch. But it also reaffirms why I do it every single morning. For many pagans, our actions are judged by intent. The intent behind lighting a candle, holding a Yule vigil, spell casting on a full moon. Intent is everything. My intent is to bind myself to my path, to honor my goddess, to own my own body and be in control of it. There is intent in every wrap, every knot, every tuck, every day. It is the daily magical life that I've always wanted to lead. And the weight of my veil is a constant reminder throughout the day of my journey. A reminder to always strive to be my best, to always know that I am beauty, that all the life around me is beauty.

And, above all, it reminds me that I do not walk this path alone.