Another Wrapunzel Giveaway!

Wrapunzel is having a Spring Giveaway! They wanted us to talk about gratitude. Today, I'm grateful for my fiance, who is the most wonderful man alive. He accepts me for who I am, he is kind and gentle and encouraging. I love every moment of my life with him.

http://wrapunzel.com/events/current-giveaway/

Modest, Plain, Ugly, Oppressed

I want to talk about this because I've seen it so much. I'm probably going to go all over the place, but let me get this out anyway. I'll watch a video on a lovely new way to wrap my scarves, or a blog post of someone explaining why they cover and, somewhere in the comments, there is almost always someone who does not want to understand. Somewhere, there is someone who feels the need to express their ignorance.

The first is one I often see in response to ladies who say they cover for modesty. These ladies, every one of them, look beautiful in their coverings and usually their coverings are beautiful garments on their own. The comment is often one of confusion, someone who did not realize that modest does not have to be plain. Plain, in my understanding, is neutral colors, no adornments, simple shapes and lines. Plain is not fancy and not decorative, it is muted and simple and practical. Modest does not have to be those things. Modest can be bright, it can be decorated, patterned, flattering. Modest can be decorous while still being pretty, while still allowing one to express one's self. Separate those two in your mind right now. Plain is modest, but modest does not have to be plain. Pretty and beautiful are not the opposite of modest.

There is more at work in dressing in a modest fashion than just covering up your skin and hair. You can dress modestly and not cover you hair. You can dress modestly and wear pants. You can dress modestly and still have lovely jewelry. Modesty is personal. It's owning your body. It's recognizing that you are a sacred being and holding that being sacred. It is being comfortable in how you dress, in how you move, in what you do. That, in and of itself, is beautiful. When you do that, when you own your self, everyone around you can see that beauty. And that's where the ignorant comments come in. If someone thinks a lady dressing modestly is beautiful, then that lady must be doing something wrong, something not modest, to make someone think that. Those people are looking at the wrong thing. It's not about the outward appearance at all. A woman who feels confident, secure, and happy looks beautiful. That is her spirit, her self that you are seeing, that you are recognizing as beautiful.

Similarly, plain does not have to be ugly. Plain is also beautiful. Have you ever seen someone in a black abaya and a white hijab? Is that not plain? Is that not also beautiful? I've spent a good deal of time in Amish and Mennonite markets. Ladies in simple dresses, some are colored in pastels or patterned in delicate flowers depending on the community, with hair twisted up and a prayer cap pinned on top. They are happy, confident, in control of their bodies. They are beautiful. Separate that in your mind too. Plain does not mean it must be ugly.

Now, there is a sort of catch 22, and that also seems to be where some of these comments I see come from. Part of being modest or plain is not drawing attention to yourself. In this modern world we live in, anything different draws attention. That is just the reality of this age. Modest dress gets attention because it is different. It is not what everyone else is doing, so people notice it. That does not mean that the person dressing modestly is doing something wrong. That means you are perceiving them through your own standards, through the standards that society says you should have. It's not your fault, don't feel bad. Just stop judging those who are different, ok?

The last bit...that's always the tough one. I see it all the time, most often in response to a Jewish woman who says she covers her hair for her husband or to a Muslim woman who says she covers because her faith tells her to. "For your husband" carries with it the incorrect belief that she does it because her husband told her to, and that is oppression. Yes, that is. If your spouse says he wants you to dress a certain way and there are consequences if you don't, that is oppression. If your spouse asks you to dress a certain way without consequences and you want to do it to please him, that is not oppression. In the same way that your spouse asking you to make him a sandwich and you do it because you want him to eat and you know full well he would get up and do it on his own if you didn't is not oppression. If your religion advises you to dress a certain way for the benefit of your spouse and you love your religion and you think it's a beautiful gesture for your spouse, that is not oppression. So many people seem to not understand this. When you do something because you want to do it, because it means something to you, it is not oppression. It is taking an idea, a recommendation, an ancient law even, and deciding to embrace it and to make it your own and deciding it is relevant in your life. That's not oppression, that's making a decision.

I was watching this video. At about a minute and thirty, they discuss why they cover. She said "look at us. Do we look oppressed?" Of course not! They look beautiful and happy and so in touch with why they do it. I saw a comment (on a different video) where someone was going on and on about how sad she was for the lovely lady who was only explaining why she veiled, how it was a beautiful thing she did for her husband. The commentator said something along the lines of 'if it's not oppression, the men would do it too.' In some cultures, the men DO do it too! Jewish men might wear a kippah, the Qur'an has instructions for both men and women to dress modestly, Amish and Mennonite men may have dress restrictions, the requirement of Sikh men to wear a turban is the biggest example of this. It's not all on the women. Once again, people need to stop judging a culture from their own standards.

I do not wear a veil for my husband, as I have none just yet. My betrothed has made no demands on my appearance whatsoever one way or the other. He has never asked me to veil, and he has never asked me not to. He compliments me when I look nice, but he pretty much says that every day. I couldn't tell you if it's because he likes the veil I'm wearing that day or if it's just that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful (I know the latter is true, I do not know if the former ever is true). There are no specific tenets of my faith that recommend dressing modestly or wearing a veil, though the reasons I do it are faith-based. My decisions with regard to my wardrobe are entirely up to me. That can't possibly be oppression.

I just used a whole bunch of words to say one simple thing that I wish more people would learn: Modest and plain dress does not have to be ugly and are almost always not oppression.

Why I Love It

In the interest of entering this giveaway from Wrapunzel.com, my absolute favorite place to buy scarves and tichels, I want to elaborate on what I said on my Facebook entry just a bit.

wrapunzel.com/events/current-giveaway/

Picking out my veil for the day is a deliberate act. Sure, I consider what matches, how I might tie it that particular day, what I need to accent it and give it that personal touch. But it also reaffirms why I do it every single morning. For many pagans, our actions are judged by intent. The intent behind lighting a candle, holding a Yule vigil, spell casting on a full moon. Intent is everything. My intent is to bind myself to my path, to honor my goddess, to own my own body and be in control of it. There is intent in every wrap, every knot, every tuck, every day. It is the daily magical life that I've always wanted to lead. And the weight of my veil is a constant reminder throughout the day of my journey. A reminder to always strive to be my best, to always know that I am beauty, that all the life around me is beauty.

And, above all, it reminds me that I do not walk this path alone.

Hunting and Finding

My better half and I had an extremely busy holiday party schedule. The college where I work closed for winter break on December 20th. We had a party that evening, two parties on the 21st along with my traditional Yule vigil, dinner with friends on the 22nd, Festivus, dinner with Dav's dad on Christmas Eve, lunch with my family and dinner with Dav's mom on Christmas Day, there was even going to be another gathering on the 26th. By that point, I was was entirely worn out, and we realized we had not spent a single day at home together since the break started. Dav even took time off of work so we could have some days off together. They were just all full of parties and dinners and gatherings. All fun, don't get me wrong, but just the kind of stuff that saps me dry of energy. So, we stayed in the 26th and 27th and did the original Thursday thing on Saturday. We managed to accept three invitations for New Year's Eve, which ended up being quite a day. It all worked out great, we got to spend some time alone and some time with our friends and family. But parties is not really why I'm here. 

The first party on Saturday the 21st was Dav's work party. Hobnob with the coworkers and the company bigshots in nice evening attire. I've been to fancy company holiday parties before (and am quite grateful that my current employer is so very casual!), so I had an idea of how this one would go. While this was not my first evening attire party since I started veiling, it was the first where I would be surrounded by strangers and did not feel like exposing my hair. 

Ack! What to do?! I could not help but feel that my every-day choices of cotton tichels and flannel scarves would be inappropriate for the dress code of the evening and I was completely at a loss as to what I could do to cover my head in a more formal way. Like any good researcher, I hit the Internet! And hoped I could find something that I could do with my current collection of veils to make at least one of them appear more formal. 

And here is the result!

Waterfall Twist

I found this amazing blog, Wrapunzel, where the lovely Andrea posts about her daily coverings with pictures and video tutorials galore! Since then, my knocking about on the laptop days have consisted of multiple pages of her site open in my browser. I can't get enough; her wraps are beautiful and elegant and, as I tend to favor the more Jewish styles of covering, right up my alley. She called the one I used for the formal office party a Waterfall Twist, and it was so easy, and I was able to use a scarf I already had in my collection! Interestingly, it was a scarf that I rarely wear, I have no idea where it came from, it's thicker than I'm used to and longer than I generally wear. But I kept it in my box of veils anyway, because someday I might have a use for it. It has an inconsistent pattern of stripes and blocks in black and shades of gray with silver threads. It was perfect with my little black dress. I paired it all with a black and white shawl with bits of red and khaki for a little color. 

I talked about possibly making some videos to help those of you who might also find yourselves on a veiling journey as I did. I may still, but in the meantime, I strongly encourage you to check out Andrea's site. She has a Beginner's Guide, tons of pictures, so many video techniques, and even a store. I ordered a few things and I can't wait until they arrive! I was given six beautiful pashminas, which are more like really thick rectangular shawls, and had so much trouble trying to get them to work on my head. Wrapunzel has a solution for that too! Really, hit those links, click about on her site. It is a fantastic resource!

In other news, I think I've decided to grow out my bangs. Yes, I said I think, because I guess I really haven't decided anything. I love the Bettie Page look, I love that it adds some interest and frame to my face with the rest of my hair covered, but I'm quite tired of the upkeep. I don't go to the salon, so the only way to keep them trim is to do it myself, and I don't do that as often as I should. I miss the styles I used to do pre-bang, which is kind of funny that's even part of my thinking as I don't plan to stop veiling any time soon. Still, being happy with my hair underneath my veil is still important. And I still have the clip-in bang hair piece that convinced me to actually cut them into my hair in the first place. The part where the piece met my natural hair never looked right on its own, so I always wore it with a headband over that area, which is pretty much exactly what I do now only the rest of my hair is usually covered too. I might get tired of the in-between length that my bangs are getting to and chop them off again, but we'll see how this goes.

Post Stuff

Hello, dear readers! I hope the holiday season treated you well and you got through it without stress.

When last you saw me (excepting vanilla sugar), my house wasn't sold, my oven was broken, and I was quite a mess. The house finally did sell! I signed all my paperwork on Thursday, December 5th with my buyer going to sign on the 6th. The 6th didn't happen because there was a new thing with the new lender that delayed closing to the 9th or 10th. Then it snowed on the 9th and 10th. But my buyer did her stuff on the 11th and I am no longer a homeowner! Yay! Really, YAY!!! A shiny and beautiful new oven was delivered, but it still doesn't work. We think there's something wrong with the outlet or the wiring in the wall and that's going to need an electrician. Dav seems to be more anxious to get out of here than to mess with that, which really is fine by me. We've talked about the area that we want to live in, and a little bit about financing, but we haven't really sat down with the numbers yet.

On Christmas Day, we learned that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting another baby this summer! YAY!! I am so happy for them. So, so very happy!

I think the new year is off to a pretty decent start. Soon, there will be the stress of moving, but the joy of a new house, then I'll be up to my eyeballs in wedding planning.  I declare 2014 will be a good year.

Vanilla Sugar

Last year, I set out to make my gift giving even easier than baking a ton of cookies and passing out tins. I found a site, that I can't seem to find again, that had a list of a ton of things you can make in jars and give as gifts; things like muffin or cookies mixes, spice rubs, hot chocolate. Among them was this little gem: vanilla sugar. I had never heard of it before and the recipe is incredibly easy. I couldn't find any vanilla beans, however, so that instantly took it off my 'easy to make' list. But I spent the next year casually searching for a store that carried vanilla beans, knowing full well I could have just ordered them online and been done with it. 

My mother, who I had informed that I was hunting for vanilla beans, found some at Mom's Organic Market. Based on her description, it was one whole bean cut in half for $6. She also found them at Costco, of all places, 10 whole long beans for $11. I'll take it! I already had mason jars on hand from an earlier concoction, and two unopened bags of granulated sugar (not including the open bags!) in the pantry. The recipe I followed called for one bean to two cups of sugar. My jars held almost exactly that, but I used just a touch less than two cups of sugar so there was room to shake things up to mix. 

Gather your beans!

 First, slice open your beans length-wise. I was reading something that said to use the back of your knife. I'm not sure why, but that's what I did. It was more like pressing the dull edge into the flesh of the bean, and it sliced right open.

Slice!

Next, you want to remove the seeds. I was expecting vanilla to be something like green beans: a long bean pod with little beans. Not so. It's more like sticky black dust. Again, use the back of your knife to scrape off the seeds.

Scrape!

Good vanilla beans should be moist and fragrant, not dry. The moisture made the tiny seeds very very sticky. They stuck to the cutting board, the knife, and my fingers. It made me think of glitter and how it gets everywhere!

A pile of tiny, sticky seeds

I then sliced the bean in half, so they would fit better in my jars, and put the bean and seeds in the jar. If you use raw vanilla seeds for cooking, save your bean pods! You can throw them in your sugar without the seeds and they will still impart their lovely vanilla flavor.

In the jar

For my first jar, I put the vanilla seeds and bean in the jar and poured the sugar over it, mixing occasionally. The seeds will clump together though. In subsequent batches, I slowly poured my sugar into a measuring cup and mixed the seeds with my knife as best I could. Then that mixture gets poured over the beans in the jar.

There's sugar in the jar!

Next, cap your jar, give the thing a shake and leave it to marinate! It is recommended to shake the jar periodically so the seeds and vanilla flavor from the bean get distributed thoroughly. According to my readings, it will take about two weeks for the vanilla to permeate through the sugar and be ready for use.

Jars of vanilla sugar!

You can add more sugar to your jar as it starts to get low and shake it up every now and then to mix and incorporate the flavor. Some sites say the beans should be replaced every two years and some say they can stay in the sugar indefinitely. My beans had a two year expiration date, so I'll probably follow that. We'll see how it goes.

I'm excited to try my new sugar! But I have to give it time to get to its full flavor. Some of these jars are probably going to end up as gifts. I need to make some labels. And I still have five beans left, but I'm out of jars! I think I'll try vanilla extract with the rest of my beans.

I know this isn't actually a cake, but it could be used in cake. That counts, right?

Sitting to Write

But write what?

I feel like I've been very silent on the goings on in my life of late.  But what is there to report, really?

My house, while still under contract (that same one from October) hasn't actually sold yet. This isn't news if you've been following my updates on Facebook. Our first closing date was November 15th, but my buyer took so long getting the inspection and appraisal done that the septic and well tests were delayed (because my Realtor said we weren't going to spend the money on them until we heard that the buyer was happy with the asking price when compared to the appraised price, because the buyer could have backed out after appraisal and I would still have to pay for those tests, get it?). So, settlement got moved back to November 27th. On November 22nd, I heard from my Realtor again who was very angry as she reported to me that we would not be going to settlement on the 27th and we wouldn't have been ready even if we had those tests done because there was some problem with the buyer's loan. Something about additional paperwork that wouldn't be ready until mid-December. We were assured that the loan would be ready by then, so the new tentative date would be December 13th. Unfortunately, I'm out of money to pay the mortgage now. Someone, and I know not who, mentioned renting my house to the buyer for December so her rent could pay my mortgage, but no one thought that was a good idea. On November 26th, I called my Realtor again and she reported that my buyer got a shiny new lender and this lender was on the ball and everything was ready to go: the only reason we weren't closing was because of the Thanksgiving holiday. I now have a new contract addendum that states settlement will be "on or before December 6."

The truth is, I'm so thoroughly stressed about this whole mess I can barely think of anything else right now. It's messing with my sleep. It's one of the reasons I'm not eating very well (more on that later). I'm putting on fake smiles when people ask how I'm doing. It's hard to get excited about anything. Now, everyone is in holiday mode and I'm just meh. I can't see over this hurdle. Mortgage, from the Old French: mort - dead; gage - pledge. Dead pledge. It surely feels like this pledge will be the death of me sometimes. Still, I've admitted that I'm swimming in a great big pool of stress over this, and I sometimes even answer with "not fine" instead of fake smiles when asked. That's got to be progress, right? Though, this particular stress is more numbing than anything. I'm not used to my body handling stress this way. I'm not sure it's an improvement over other ways my body tends to deal with stress.

Sure, there is a plan: sell my house, buy our house, plan our wedding. But everything moving forward from here starts with selling my house. Or otherwise detaching myself from that mortgage responsibility. Selling, of course, is ideal because it means some money in my pocket to put towards those other two points of the plan and saving my credit. But this is it. I'm out of money now. If it doesn't sell this month, foreclosure will commence.

Another reason I haven't been eating very well is because my oven blew up. Again, if you're following along on Facebook, you already know this. I was preheating the oven to roast a delicious pan of fresh vegetables when it started to growl (the oven), then to hiss, then to smoke, then there was a POP! and it spewed some sparks and more smoke. I turned it off, grabbed the fire extinguisher, then opened the thing to find a good three inch piece of the bottom element had burned off. This, for some unknown reason, took out the range too. The only thing that works is the broiler element, and that does not help us. I told Dav I couldn't handle the added stress of a non-functioning oven right now, and he said he'd deal with it and I didn't have to worry about it. That's great, but I do have to worry about how to cook decent meals without a working oven or stove. We bought a few microwave dinners and have been eating out a good deal. I've been trying to get things I can make cold or heat in the microwave so I can still cook, mostly. I'm hoping the toaster oven can roast some Brussels sprouts for us this week, but we'll see. And then holiday baking, which has been my gift of preference for several years, comes to a halt before I even get started. Dav replaced the burned element and it still didn't work. I'm still not sure if the landlord is going to service it or replace it, but she knows about it and I got the impression that a replacement will happen. But then, the blow up was almost exactly a month ago. My year to fit into my wedding dress is not off to a good start. I really am trying not to stress about it, I have enough stress around me right now.

Obviously, I haven't reopened my Etsy store yet like I said I was going to. Most of my yarn, like almost everything else in my life, is packed away in storage. And by storage, I mean Dav's mom's basement and in various rooms in my parents' house. Our family have said they are happy to help us, for which I am very grateful, but I don't like my crap being in their way like this.We just don't have the space for it all right now. So, reopening my store and trying to make some extra cash is just going to have to wait. I am yearning for my yarn, though. Yearning for yarn.

I'm kind of doom and gloom today, but it's really not all bad. My betrothed and I keep a pretty cozy and harmonious home, despite the fact that this one is temporary and so much is in this crazy state of transition. I'm still holding out hope that I'll be able to come back Friday evening at the latest and declare that big looming obstacle out of my way. Then we can sit down and work out what we can actually afford on a house and get the search started. It's not all bad. Really. No matter what happens, I'll get past it, and there's a small voice in my mind that every now and then gets a little louder and reminds me that things usually do work out for the best. It's hard to listen to it right now, but I know it's there. Just waiting for the inevitable "I told you so."

Covering a Year

It was a year ago Samhain night when I started daily veiling. My collection of suitable veils in color and style has grown quite a bit, and the ritual of choosing and coordinating my veil to my outfit has become part of my regular morning routine. My veils include scarves, tichels, snoods, tube bandannas, headbands, and hats. I do not cover when sitting around at home or among relatives (to include the future in-laws) unless we plan to go out somewhere. I tend to reserve more open veils like headbands to situations where I'm in the company of family and not-family, and times when I want to show off my hair but still be covered. Remember, I veil to cover my crown chakra, not my hair (though most of my hair also gets covered more often than not). This is what I've observed in a year of veiling.

You may recall, dear readers, that I accurately predicted that my previous boss would have an issue with my veils. I fully believe that her prejudice is the main reason why I ended up in the laid off group. One of the questions she asked me was if I would accept a position at a new company if they told me I couldn't wear my veil. My answer was no, of course. So, in the last year, I went to a job interview veiled and not one person on the interview committee asked about or even mentioned my covering at the interview, and still have not even now. I've been working there three and a half months, and only two people have asked about my veils - out of curiosity. Unlike my prejudiced former manager, no one cares. And this job requires me to be far more of a public face than the last one ever did. No one cares. And that's the way it should be.

I have found that other ladies who veil are more likely to talk to me than before I started veiling. Even silly things like asking me a question about a product while we're both standing in the baking section of the craft store. One in particular I remember was a lovely lady wearing a simple black hijab with sparkly pins holding it in place. I rarely see other versions of veils than hijabs, really. I started looking for, and thus noticing, veiled people when I started my research, but it started happening far more often when I started veiling myself.

Sometimes people ask, and sometimes I just bring it up in conversation when conversations go that way. I haven't really met with a whole lot of animosity or prejudice to my choice (with the exception of said former boss). Most people in my circle have been really supportive, if they express caring at all.

I'm going to continue to do it. I may not always. One day, my journey may lead me down a different path but, for now, it still feels right. Sometimes, I feel like I miss fancy braids in my hair, but I don my veil anyway and don't regret it. It makes my mornings easier, as I don't have to focus on my hair any longer than putting it up and picking a covering for the day. And if I want to do something fancy for a special occasion, I may as I choose.  Sometimes, a fancy headband over my style satisfies both needs.

Stuff Stuff Stuffy Stuff

I know, that doesn't really say much. I've been writing out this post for months.

The last you saw of me here was that I was laid off, and struggling to keep my head above water. I did it, I knew I would.

I moved back to Maryland at the end of June, and my house has been on the market since. It's under contract now, which is a very good thing because I'm almost out of money. I found an awesome, if part-time, job that I very much enjoy, but it's not going to pay for the house.

The post started out tons longer than it's going to end up. All the things I was going to tell you about what has been happening in the past several months isn't important now.

So, a week ago today was my birthday. The weekend just before that was spent at the Maryland Renaissance Festival, as has been my party tradition for the past 20-some years. My birthday party did not, in the slightest way, go according to plan.

You see, this happened.

We talked about getting married sometimes. Hell, we live together, it's like being married! But nothing was real or official or some other word I can't come up with. Nothing was expected, and I wasn't taking it for granted that it would just happen some day. And then some day happened.

We had been going about the faire as usual. I was a little irritated because I had plans for how I wanted to spend my day and those plans just weren't happening. The important people I wanted with me were not around (yeah, I'm talking about you, Fox and Fae) and even my dad, who is responsible for this whole tradition, was scarce. I wanted to see some shows and do some shopping and it's my day to spend with the people I want to spend it with, dammit! Dav was with me, of course, but he had friends there that he wanted to spend time with. But we're from different worlds, you see. Dav and his friends hang at the Dragon, I'm a White Hart girl. Someone's got to do the giving if one of us is going to be with our 'group.' The day just wasn't going the way I expect my party days to go. I hope I didn't appear as irritated as I was with that, at least. I'd rather be agreeable and flexible than not.

It was late afternoon, I was shopping and the shop keeper was busy with a bunch of stuff and Dav later told me he was getting very impatient. I picked up on a bit of that, and he explained it was because his mom and another friend would be leaving soon and he wanted to spend some time with them before they left. We did eventually end up at the Dragon with the group. Another issue is that his group hangs in the smoking section and, as sensitive as I am to that evil migraine-inducing smoke, I stayed as far away as I politely could.

So, he came back to where I was sitting and pulled me with him a bit saying there was something he wanted to show me that he thought I would really like. He took me to a mostly out-of-the-way place behind the chapel and maneuvered me into just the right position so his lovely friend Rachel could take that photograph at just the right moment. Then he said "we didn't meet at faire, but we met because of faire" and took a knee and took out a box said a few other things that my brain simply did not retain. "Will you marry me" was in there. I know I said some form of yes, but I don't know what else. I feel bad that I don't remember more of the details of that moment. I was joyfully crying, he was joyfully crying. Whatever irritation I was feeling that day had no more reason to be. For the next two days, I was subjecting everyone around me to cheesy grins and joyful tears.

My dad was telling everyone who crossed his path. People he knew well, people he knew a little, people he didn't know at all. He had known for two weeks that this was going to happen 'some time.' Dav and I drove together two weeks prior and he hung out while I was working. Sometime during the course of that day, he pulled my dad aside and asked for his blessing. And dad told him his chances of getting a yes out of me were probably pretty good.

I called my brother that evening, even before talking to my mom, because that's not the kind of thing I can tell my mother over the phone, you know? We stopped by the house on our way home, under the ruse that I had to pick something up but forgot my key so she wouldn't go to bed before we got there. We walked in and I said "I lied. I don't have to get anything. We're getting married!"

Honestly, marriage is one of those things that I never hoped for or dreamed about. It was something that I always thought I'd never have, so I told myself I didn't want it. And then my relationship with Dav started happening and I started wanting things that I'd spent years telling myself I didn't want, or didn't need, or didn't deserve. Someone very special to me taught me that none of those things are true, just by being the wonderful person he is.

I'm going to marry that man.

Changes Come in Floods

If you're my friend on Facebook or see me more than once a month, you know that I was recently laid off from a job I worked for near 10 years. The official reason was that the company that bought my former employer found my job to be redundant and obsolete, and apparently they couldn't place me elsewhere in the company (they told a friend who was also laid off the same day that she could apply to current open positions. Apply, as in start over. Yeah.). Anyway, I'm now finding myself unintentionally unemployed for the first time in my life. It's an experience I never wanted, and hope to never have again. But for now, living must continue.

And that's kind of a thing all its own, because there is now zero income to pay for my mortgage, or my electric bill, or my cable, or my groceries. Despite my best efforts, I spent (still spend, really) a good part of my now unoccupied days drowning in my own despair. Given my history, I recognize that I'm in danger of finding myself in a deeper depression than I've ever known. I'm fighting it. I really am. Really. It's hard. It's a daily thing. I'm working on it. Ups and downs. The day after I got the news was pretty bad. It's been a while since I've been that bad. The truth is I am not ok. For all my going through my days like nothing is wrong, most if it is a lie. My stress level is through the roof. I am not ok.

But I've been dealing with the chemical imbalances in my brain on my own for decades. I know a thing or two about stress and depression. I understand that this is stress that I've never had before, but I will deal with it on my own as I always have. At this point, that's all I can do.That's all I have to work with.

There are a few things in my list of activities that release feel-good chemicals in my brain no matter how I'm feeling when I started. Finding the will to do those things is its own challenge, but once I do them, I always always always feel better. Even if it's just for a moment. Those moments keep me going right now as it is.

Reading

I'm not kidding, reading really does help, but it's not just any kind of reading. It is something very specific. What helps me feel good is getting settled and set into bed, with my cats in their preferred sleeping positions around me and I read aloud to them. But not just any story, it doesn't work with a Terry Goodkind or George R R Martin novel (I might argue that those two write things that are stressful in general anyway), or even a Shakespearean comedy. It has to be a fairy tale, a silly children's poem, some story that I remember and love from my childhood, or something with the same flavor as those stories that I remember and love from my childhood. My default go-to is Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss. Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree is a close second (anything by these two usually work).

This book belonged to my brother and somehow found its way to my bookshelf.  It has since been returned to him.

 Creating

This one is tricky, because the inspiration to create something is usually not there at all when I'm very depressed. If I have one moment of muse, I have to take it right then and there, or it will go away altogether. Painting, sculpting, writing, or, at the very top of my list, crocheting usually do the trick. If I can bring myself to get started. That's the hard part.

Make something fun, like a crocheted Ewok.

 Cooking

Oh, cooking. Cooking is an adventure all its own when I do it, and I have to be prepared for the consequences. By those, I mean the kitchen in need of cleaning when I'm done. The joy from the creation of food usually is enough to ignore the kitchen for a couple days. But, like being creative as I mentioned above, I have to find just the right motivation to do something new or wonderful or delightful or creative.  But usually once I get going, I find myself in the zone. Baking delivers the best happy-brain result, but I have to be mindful of the guilt afterwards - guilt if I can't find anyone else to eat it!

The cake is not a lie!

Gaming

I recently discovered this one. It's silly, because it's been in front of me forever. It's kind of like reading, though. Not just any game will do. Something old, something that I really enjoyed as a child delivers the best feeling during and after. I spent the last two days fighting off a migraine and, when it wasn't consuming me, I was playing one of my top three most beloved games ever. It amazed me how wonderful it made me feel. I was even contemplating how calm I was during a boss fight I was losing. For some reason, just dusting this sucker off brought a nice happy buzz and none of the stress that losing boss fights usually bring.

Go 16-bit for the best result!

None of these tricks really solve my problem, of course. But they help me through my days that are getting more and more stressful, especially as my next mortgage payment looms.

I said "changes come in floods" and they do. My boyfriend, who recognized that my house and my job are the only two things keeping me in that state, asked me to move in with him. He's searching for a house of his own and with my job gone, and my 3-year First Time Homebuyer Tax Credit requirement almost up, the time is just right. It is, and I can't even find the right words to describe all that it means to me. But now there's the added stress of moving this summer, getting my house ready to sell, how long I might have to still pay for it while I'm trying to sell it, where will we live from here. More stress. It's good stress, change is good, and hoped for beyond imagining, but stress nonetheless. Additional stress from my parents who have opinions about things and me living with my boyfriend (and selling my house to do it) doesn't fit in those opinions. Floods of changes. Of possibilities. Of stress. Of dreams. There is adventure in here and it is exciting and wonderful and unexpected and amazing all at the same time. I know I said earlier that I'm not ok. I'm not, so much is still uncertain. But I know I will be. I will be.