Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Burried in Yarn

Remember on Friday I mentioned that one of my coworkers asked for a massive commission? Five each of Piggies and Gnomes and some needle felted shrooms. And someone else asked for a cape to keep her Gnome friend snuggly in the approaching cooler months and a little travel basket so he can accompany her in style.

I'm working on everything! Really!

The parts of the last few days that weren't filled with a meeting, a movie, and a visit with Monty have been filled with yarn.

I made time to squeeze in a project of my own too. I had to. I left work early on Thursday because I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing, and I could barely see through my tears. I fought heaving sobs all the way to the store, where I bought the things the doctor wanted me to take. I then proceeded to fight that gripping terror all the way home, trying very hard to ignore the "I would rather die than deal with this" thoughts that went through my mind the whole way.

A phobia is defined as an exaggerated and illogical fear of something. It doesn't really help to be phobic about something, even know it's completely irrational, when it's something you have to do. As Monty put it on Sunday "if I don't take my meds, I go crazy. If you don't, you die." Being inexplicably terrified at the thought of taking pills makes this a very difficult thing to do. Whether the levels of those substances in my body are actually low enough to cause death should I let them go remains to be seen, but it's a variable no one really wants to explore.

But I know that it's there, and that's a start. I decided to make myself a Happy Pill. His name is Phil, the Pill. I used my favorite color of purple and gave him a big smile. Phil is going to help me stay on top of all these pills. I put everything I need for the day in a pill case the night before. I take some immediately upon rising in the morning, and bring the rest with me to work where I'll take them after eating something. Phil sits on top of my alarm clock, blocking the view and the buttons. I can't turn the alarm on until I move him, and I can't move him until I've put the pills for the following day in the case. In the morning, when I take the first two, Phil goes back on the clock so I have to move him again in the evening when I get my pills ready.

Sound good?

It's working, but then again it's only been a few days. I'm still pretty certain I'll start making up excuses to stop taking them in a month or so. That's how it always seems to work. Or, I'll miss a day by accident and just give up from there. I know how I am. I've always done this. I'm hoping this time, Phil will help me see it through for the four or five months that the doc wanted me to take them. Then I can get tested again and she'll say everything's fine and I won't need to take so many anymore. That's the goal. I'm trying. I'm really trying. Maybe I'll get a picture of Phil for you sometime later.

We'll call this therapeutic amigurumi.


Anonymous said...

Phil the pill is a great idea! I hope you succeed! Laurel

ibifdu said...

hope it's going better