Admission

Two days without crying, but it didn't last.

I have to admit, I'm not as fine as I'm telling everyone I am. I know this isn't something I'll get over in a few days or even a week, and probably not even a month. I wish I could fast forward to that magical day in the future when it doesn't hurt anymore.

I miss him so much, and I wish that would just go away. I know nothing is going to come of that little bit of hope that I'm holding on to. If he really loved me and really wanted things to work between us, he wouldn't have left me. My head knows this, but my heart won't let go.

And I don't want to let go yet, dammit. Right now, that hope is the only thing that's keeping me from shutting down completely. I do believe we had something wonderful, and I do believe we can work through it and be better on the other side. But it's not only up to me and now it's completely out of my hands.

I sent him and e-mail yesterday and told him to come by my house and pick up his stuff. He left some clothes and an overnight bag at my place. It's not fair that I have to have this constant reminder of him but he doesn't have anything to make him think of me. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't have done that, because now he will have no reason to come back to me for anything. But I know it's the right thing to do. I know that just having clothes at my house is not going to make him want to try again. If he arrives at that conclusion, he needs to do it on his own.

I don't really think it will happen. I hope, but I don't believe. I think he's done with me. That's why he left. I don't know why he left me with that hope, because it just hurts more not knowing if it's really over. I think it is, I hope it's not, and I'm totally in limbo for it. He knew I would be. He has created in me the very thing that he said he was struggling with himself. It's not fair, and I should be angry with him for doing it, and just let go. I'm not. I can't.


Why do I have to love you?