Monday, March 19, 2012

Wondering Unbidden

Do you miss me?

Do you remember fondly the time we were together?

Do you regret the time we're not together now?

Do you think of me at all?

I'm not looking for an answer to these; actually I'm pretty sure it would be "no" for each one. It's easier to do the leaving than to be the one being left. I know because I've done it. I've left someone I didn't want to be with anymore and never gave it another thought. It was easy, it did not make me sad to be without him, I rarely even thought about the good times (they were few and far between but that's neither here nor there) because it was all over.

But being on the other side of that is very different. I think about him so much. I think about the last 18 months, mostly trying to find where I messed up even though he said I didn't - there has to be something I did wrong or he wouldn't have just given up on us. I also scan my memory looking for the signs that he said should have been there. Still nothing. I feel like such an idiot for that.

And he left me with that little bit of hope and I'm an idiot for holding on to that too. He's not coming back. I'm sure of it. Why would you allow yourself to hurt this much when a simple phone call could ease that? No, the only reason has to be that he's not hurting, and he doesn't miss me, and he won't be back. It was cruel of him to say he might, like it was some way of holding on to me even though he no longer wanted me. And my heart just won't let it go.

It doesn't really matter. It's not like there is anyone in my life who was waiting for me to be single again so he could make a move. I don't expect there ever will be one again. I'm just not that special person everyone thinks I am. I am broken and not worth the effort. Easy to leave, easy to forget.

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