Friday, March 28, 2008

Holding On

I left three big black bags full of stuffed animals by the door for one of the many charities that come by regularly for donations. I feel like I kept quite a lot, but three bags of toys is still pretty good. The last time I did this, I gave away things I later regretted, and that's what turned me into a packrat. My toys are in collector's condition, most even still have the swing tags, so I have to believe that they're going to end up in some Purple Heart store and make a bunch of children happy. Sure, I could have taken the time and swallowed the cost to sell those things on e-Bay, but this is much better.

Among the toys were some things that Turtle gave me; she used to bring me something from every trip to Florida, one of them was even something I bought myself in Florida. A lot of those things were gifts from Sally. I know it was time to remove those remnants of her from my life.

Still, I've been missing Sally a lot lately. Rather, I've been missing someone who she never was. Maybe I think of her, or what she was to me even if that wasn't true, because I have no confidant. If I still had the Sally that I created, I'd have one in her.

It's odd that such delusions get created and it's near impossible to let them go. I have accepted that who Sally is now is not who I pretended she was. In fact, I don't know Sally now. Last night, as I sat in my bed contemplating the space where all those toys once were, I thought about Sally's bridal shower and how obvious it was that I did not know her. Then I thought about my sister-in-law's bridal shower, and how happy I was to realize that I knew more about my brother's (then future) wife than I did about someone who I had called my best friend for so many years. I felt quite good about that revelation, really.

I still have a lot to clean out, and it still doesn't look like much progress has been made. But, I have gotten rid of so much stuff, progress must be somewhere.

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