Wednesday, May 02, 2007

So Much to Write About Today

Yesterday I learned that today is the start of the sailing season. My dad and I were invited again to crew Tzatsky Too, and my dad replied in the affirmative for both of us.

Now that it's here and starting, I don't want to. It's not that I don't want to sail, I love it. Even looking through my pictures and reading through some of my past entries, I love it.

But, I've been so tired lately. And sailing ends so late and we get home so late and to bed so late and have to get up so early. And it's straight on - from home, to work, to boat, to home, to bed, then back to work. Yes, the sail in itself is downtime, but....

Well, the end of last season really wasn't a lot of unwind time for me. I started sailing twelve years ago. I have enough experience in all kinds of weather to call myself and able-bodied seawoman. I know how to trim the jib and the main, I know how to cast off and secure the boat, I know to wear the right shoes and clothes and to prepare to get wet. I know how to swim, but I also know how to stay on the boat. And I know how to do these things within my body (meaning, for example, my wrists are weak from carpal tunnel syndrome and tendinitis and I don't have a very good grip in either hand because of it. But I can still hold a line with the weight of the heavy canvas sail and several knots of wind pushing against it. I know how to work my own body to do these things that are necessary for sailors to do). The end of last season in particular, I felt like I was getting a lot of criticism from my captain. Yes, yes, I understand it's his boat and he wants things done a certain way and probably doesn't understand why I may not be able to do it that way. But just the way it came across made me feel like I didn't have the twelve prior years of experience that I have. When one's skills are called into question, whether intentional or not, it doesn't really make for an enjoyable time.

And when I heard this news yesterday - that today it was going to start - I was really really missing Paul. I never had those feelings on his crew.

I think my dad was disappointed when I told him I didn't want to go. And I'm not sure he understood that I meant for the season. We've been doing this together for twelve years, after all. I love sailing, and I'll miss it; the wind and the Bay and the sunsets. But all good things must end.

That's one of the things I wanted to write about!

I spent the morning not doing work and went through all 400+ posts of my blog (including the previous blogspot archive) adding labels where I saw it fit to do so. Now you can sort by label and there's a lot more than weekends to look at! I could have put more, but this is good for now. And I have to work sometime.

That's two.

I just finished talking to one of my coworkers, who understands why I don't seem to want to sail anymore. He said "it's lost its luster." I tried it, but this crew isn't the same crew/captain/boat that I sailed for ten of my twelve years. It isn't the same, especially since things changed when a very dear friend died. He said I tried and it's good that I tried, but if it doesn't have the pleasure it had, it's not worth it to continue. He's right.

That's part of one.

Aunt Betty is going to leave. I talked about it before, how her daughter is pressuring her to move to New Mexico.

Aunt Betty has been in and out of the hospital over the past several weeks. It was mostly for anxiety; she was telling us how much she hated the place her daughter wanted her to go. But, the anxiety and nervousness and really pushed her, and she'll be leaving sometime soon. In a little more than two weeks.

This woman is such a dear family friend. She is as much a grandmother to my brother and I as my mother's mother. And my grandmother relies on her so much. We are all going to suffer when she leaves. I don't want her to go. I know the choice is hers, but I don't want her to go. Don't let me wimp out. Don't let me forget to tell her how much we love her.

I think there was more that I wanted to write about, but I'll stop there for today. There's a lot of ending going on right now. I hope that means something new is about to begin.

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