Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Thoughts Flow

I recently created a buyer account on Etsy, so I can support Moon and her store. The amount of wonderful things that can be had there is amazing. I've bought a handful of supplies that I've been wanting to get for some time, a couple little toys, a really awesome piece of jewelry (and I'll talk more about this at a later time), and I have a growing list of things I want. Fear not, I'm not overspending.

I've been pointed to Etsy before, but never really gave it a chance. I admire all of those sellers though; people who have an idea and can make money doing it. It's mind-boggling.

I wish I had something to offer. I wish there was something I could do that people needed or wanted and would be willing to pay me to do it. But I have no skills and I have no talent.

I am not unique. There is nothing that I do that can't be done by others. There is nothing that I have that no one else has. There is nothing that I make that someone might need.

Nothing will save me. I will always work for The Man.

I stopped dreaming. I wanted to be an actor, but I can't act. I wanted to get married, but I am alone. I wanted to have children, but I have only myself. I wanted to be a nun. Let's just not talk about that one.

Maybe I can talk a little about that one. See, it wasn't a want, it was a know. I knew at a very young age that cloistered would be the life for me. I knew it as a child, and I knew it in my early teens, and I knew it when I started Catholic high school.

There's oddness in my first year of high school. My life saw major theological changes. My studies of world cultures and religions expanded greatly. My own spirituality took a 180° turn. Still, I was going to be a nun. I didn't hide my spiritual discoveries in school, yet they still accepted me into the Peer Ministry program my senior year. I led prayer circles backstage before curtain and before swim meets and soccer games. I was going to be a nun. That would have worked fine except for that little Catholic requirement, which no longer fit my beliefs and hasn't since.

I finally unlearned that knowledge, more recently in the grand scheme of things than I really care to admit. Turtle likes to joke about how happy she is that I "got over that," because she thinks I have an attractive figure (and I guess she means it would be a shame to tie it up in a habit and veil). Honestly, I don't disagree, but whatever my physical assets may be, they're not enough to help me find a life partner. Just enough to make some of my female friends wish they had what I had, for all the good they don't seem to realize it hasn't done me.

Sure, looks aren't everything. In a handful of years, they won't be anything, but that also means I don't have anything appealing intellectually either. It's not something I'm doing; I've been willing to settle for less than my ideal for some years now. Even compromising, eliminating the standards I created in my head that no real human can possibly attain, hasn't opened up any prospects. The problem must be me. This is why I've given up on wanting to be married. And that leads to why I've given up on wanting kids. Mayhap I should revisit the nun thing....

I actually wasn't intending on putting the latter half of this post here; I wasn't planning on that tangent at all, in fact. I thought about putting it on the blog that no one reads (see, I had a blog that only a few people could read, but no one did, so I changed it so that no one can. Now I can type whatever I want there and not have to worry about who may see it. No one sees it!), but it's here now and I'm not reaching for the backspace. I guess that means this is all I really have for today. For the record, I'm not singing the "boo-hoo, poor me" song either. I'm quite complacent with my fate.

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