Friday, June 08, 2007

I'm Tired of Hating my Life

I hate that I'm never alone. I hate that everyone always wants to spend time with me and guilt trips me until I say yes. I hate that I'm a slob. I hate being fat. I hate that the closest job that I can do is 50 miles away. I hate that they don't pay enough to be able to live closer. I hate that I can't seem to save anything. I hate that everyone around me has the things that I want. I hate believing that I'll never get them.

But, I do believe that. Unless something falls into my lap (and we all know that's not going to happen) how can I believe otherwise? Maybe there's not enough happiness in the world to spare a little for me. Maybe I did something once and so don't deserve it. This is my purgatory.

I'm really tired of the if's. If I only had more money, I'd buy a house. If I only had more time, I'd clean up the junk. If I only had more understanding friends who will stop pressuring me to say yes when I really want to say no.

Don't you love those days when you can sit around the house and do nothing? Or watch movies, play video games, garden, whatever you please? I rarely get those days. I have two days a week that could possibly be for me, but they hardly ever are. Even this weekend is booked solid. I had to cancel something and I'm still not getting any time for me. The only me-days I get are when I take random days off of work (and we all know how easy that is to do).

Why is living the way you want to so damn hard?

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