Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Wasting Time

"I'm not going to be fooled into wasting my time hoping again." I wrote yesterday. Now I'm wondering just what time I'm wasting.

Is it time better spent exercising? Kayaking? Cleaning up my current living space? But to what purpose is any of it? I don't have anyone to impress, so why do I care if I keep myself healthy? Being on the water certainly isn't for solitude, it's not safe to do that alone so I'm always in a group. Then again, with no one to depend on me, why do I care about my safety? And tidying up my living space doesn't matter, I'm going to be there forever, it's not like I have to keep things orderly for other people who will use that space. I can't use my time any better by working, as I seem to have this crippling inability to save money so it doesn't really do me any good to try to make any.

If I can't put a worth on any of my time, then what does it matter if I waste it? Oh, maybe because it's my time to waste. It's my space to take up. It's my hot air to blow out.

What I really don't understand, the secret that I'd really like to know, is how there can be stories of people who have nothing and they somehow end up with whatever it was they were wanting. It can't just be hard work and perseverance, because the harder I work and the more I persevere, the further away my goals become.

Maybe I need a new goal. Something simpler than the career of my dreams. And something simpler than a fulfilling relationship. And something simpler than living under my own (or even my own rented) roof. Any ideas? It has to be really simple, remember that even getting to my shit job on time is too complicated for me.

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