Why I've Given up on Men

And before any of you even think it: I'm not turning to women in their place.

The last relationship I had ended in 1999. Sure, there were a few dates here and there in the eight years hence, but nothing that lasted. None of whom I would consider a boyfriend. Things ended before they began.

It has to be me. Whatever it is, it has to be something about me that makes me unappealing as a potential mate. Maybe it is because I'm looking for a partner, not a fuck buddy. Maybe it's because I can't bring anyone home for coffee, lest they're prepared to meet mom and dad and therefore have no privacy. Maybe they think I'm too busy and don't have time for them. This one isn't true at all, if I'm interested in you, I will make time, cancel previous plans, whatever. Yes, this means that I can't be relied on to make the plans, because my days fill up faster than I care them to. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's because I don't spend my nights watching football, hockey, or NASCAR (but I do enjoy a good baseball or soccer game). Is it because I'm pretty, they think I'm not smart? Or they think I'm too smart, too independent (excepting that little live with parents bit)? Maybe it's because they want me to do the chasing, and I just can't (don't know how, for one, and don't have the time, for two.)

Then I'm thinking of all the people I know who some might consider less of a catch than me, and yet I'm being invited to their weddings or otherwise asked for advice on their relationship. That's like asking a blind person to tell you the color of pansies.

I've tried online dating sites. The ones that are most talked about that cost a fee and all of that. People on those sites ignore what you say you're looking for. If I say I'm looking for someone 26-37 years old, why are all the men who contact me 45? And, I had so many divorced with kids 45 year olds contacting me all the time, I just couldn't keep up. Busy life, you know, I don't have the time to sit around telling three hundred 45 year olds a day no. Does that mean I need to stop living to find someone to live with?

Some of those people in those eight years had potential. Two out of four to be precise. One of them fed me the "I don't think I fit into your plans" line. How did he know? We'd never talked about them, he never asked me about them. Sure, I may have mentioned 'I'd like to do this and this with my life' but he assumed that meant that was all I was going to do, or all I wanted, or that there was no room for change there. Idiot. And the other one, well, I'm not sure what happened there. Maybe he's one of the ones who thinks I'm too busy. Or too eager. Maybe he thinks he's too busy. I don't know.

The other side of this is that I've probably created an impossible ideal. I have a rather clear mental picture of what I feel like a good man is, but it's a standard that precious few achieve, and most of them whom I've met were married or otherwise spoken for (and if they weren't married or otherwise spoken for, they were the aforementioned two who just didn't want me). Or will have all points except for one or two that I can't get around. Lowering my standards isn't an option, because that would not make me happy.

The right guy won't come along, because I have every reason to believe he doesn't exist. I've had some truly great guys in my life. But no one's been great enough to tell me what it is in me that they don't want. Nothing is going to change if no one tells me what the problem is. And since no one is telling me what's wrong with me, nothing will change. I will be relying on myself forever.